My Ladies

Today we went out back to water the yard and the garden and we saw this little critter on the wall.Sylvie-Faye is always a bit apprehensive.

But Chloe has no fear.

Chloe wanted to kiss it. So I said okay.

And she did. EWWW!!

Then Chloe said the lizard bit her, so Sylvie-Faye examined, but it was all just the usual drama.

Tarzan 1.

Tarzan 2.

SF: Mommy! I eat the leaves, huh? I eat them. Leaves are yummy.

ME: No, Sylvie. Don't eat it.

SF: Why mommy? It's yummy.

ME: No. It's not yummy. It's yucky.

SF: No mommy.

ME: Sylvie, no! Don't eat the leaves. The tree needs the leaves. Don't pull them off and eat them, okay?

SF: (Gasping) Look mommy!! So many leaves! Dat one and dat one and dat one. See? Tree not need more leaves, mommy.

(SIGH) I'm gonna steer her towards law school.

I Can't Help It! This Was Too Good To Not Post!

A Necessary Interruption

Okay, I know - this is not one of the promised blogs on the list. I know you're all just on edge waiting for the "prison" story of mine, aren't you? Or perhaps it's the garden one with nudity you're holding your breath for.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm being tortured on a daily basis here and I just needed to vent. (SIGH). Here we go.

Have you seen the new Twilight trailer? If you answered yes, then you might be feeling my pain. If you answered no, then you're going to have to watch it approximately 1, 523 times to catch up to me.

The movie is gonna' be good. It is. I'm excited. What I'm not excited about is the dialogue. Here - let me give you some examples.

1. In the forest, Bella is discovering the truth about Edward. Here's how it goes:

EDWARD: Say it out loud. Say it.

BELLA: Vampire.

NOOooooooo!!!! That's NOT what you're supposed to say, Bella!

You're supposed to say, "The movie's been pushed up to a sooner release date - it's now coming out tomorrow!"

GRRRR! I hate when they get it wrong.



2. Edward and Bella are in what looks like her room. Their faces are close:

EDWARD: I just wanna try one thing.

Then Bella and Edward proceed to kiss. NO! NO! NO! All wrong, Bella! You're not supposed to kiss him! You missed your line! Here's how it's supposed to go down:

EDWARD: I just wanna try one thing.

BELLA: Okay. Let me call Kristin real quick because I know she's the one you REALLY want to try it with.

Then Edward smiles his devilish smile, I enter the room - kissing begins. These are supposed to be seasoned actors! Don't you know how to follow direction?

And finally:

(I don't have a gazebo picture)

3. Edward and Bella in a gazebo.

EDWARD: You don't know how long I've waited for you.

Okay, actually there's nothing wrong with this dialogue, it's just that he's saying it to the wrong Kristen! It's Kristin with an I, not an E!!!! Dang Kristen Stewart locked me in my trailer for this one and ran out there on MY cue! MINE!!!!!

(SIGH) Look, Summit Entertainment or whoever is responsible - I cannot keep watching this dang trailer like 500 times a day. Seriously. I've got kids. I've got a full-time job. I'm trying to have a life here. Can you just get the dang movie out already? You know it's done and ready to go. You're just getting a high off torturing me, aren't you? Mm hm.

Okay. I'm done. Just had to get that off my chest. Yeah, yeah - I know. I'm a married mother of three. Edward's a vampire. He's cast his vampire spell on me. That's my big excuse, okay? Let me see you come up with better. I know there are other desperate housewives out there.

My Birthday - Let's Go Down The Checklist, Shall We?

Okay, so my birthday was like back in August, but I did the whole doll pictures portraying what I wanted thing and went on and on and said my husband would be reading the blog and would know what I wanted and it would all be magical and .....SIGH....so I feel like I need to at least go down the list so you can know if it all happened the way I wanted because I know you're just sitting around, holding your breath waiting for this big moment, right?

What's that? You forgot about the whole doll/birthday thing?

Oh. Okay. Well...I guess I've already started this post, so I should probably just go ahead and finish.

(Clearing throat). Okay, so looking back at the doll post, I wanted my husband to get the kids out of the house so I could sit around eating and playing with the kids' toys, which was mostly a joke because I'm trying to lose weight, so sitting around eating all day is not going to help that and though food and I have had a long-term, exclusive relationship, I've decided to try and break ties with it. It's hard to dump, let me tell ya'. It calls to me. It cries to me day and night, begging me to come back into its loving arms and I'm like, "I've moved on. You should too". Apparently so far I have not been too convincing because it's still very much in my life. Anyway....

So, my husband DID get the kids out of the house. I didn't say I wanted him to take them anywhere specific, so he took them out back and they swam and played for quite a while. It was nice. Then I went out with my husband and friends to Cheesecake Factory, my favorite place of all time, where I tried to have my one final fling with food, particularly avocado egg rolls. Unfortunately, I have no pictures of the party, but the Tylers, Truschkes, Crandalls, and Worthens were able to make it and I found out I kind of share a birthday with Jarred Truschke, so that was cool. He and I are both Leos. That explains our need to be famous musicians - something we bonded over during dinner.


Now, I know I had requested Gainey Ranch, but I LOVE Cheesecake Factory, so we'll just pretend like that's what I asked for. I'll take avocado egg rolls over a gondola ride any day. Actually, no - I take that back. That was the old response. The new response is "Anything but food".

Moving on...

My son and husband together bought me this ridiculously expensive rock star necklace. I've been eyeing it for over a year, but I thought the price was a bit much, so I never thought I'd actually own it.


And then, there's the clothing. Now I'm fat. I'm not gonna' try to hide it folks. Besides, if you know me, you already know this to be true, so why lie. I had two baby girls back to back, so it's to be expected. And I type for a living - long hours. And also I've been having an affair with food for years and the side effects = fatness.

So, the best I could do was to go to Buckle and buy two tops as cute as I could find under the circumstances. And I went ahead and bought two because they were $24 each and I thought that was a good deal. I have a picture of one. I couldn't find the other. It's buried in the bottom of the laundry bin and I was too lazy to fish it out. It's cute. Trust me. Here's the one I wore on my birthday dinner night, though.

And then I just could NOT resist these darling high heels. Now, I normally purchase Wal-Mart, Target and Payless shoes, but every few years I splurge on a nice pair. I definitely splurged on these. But don't you think it was worth it?

And I got a nice box of Choxie chocolates from my friend Koe. And my friend Amanda took me to dinner and a movie, which was so fun, except the movie was Mama Mia and it was more than we could take and also Colin Firth (the man we lust after sometimes) played a gay guy in it and we just were too upset for words, but that's okay - at least we got out together with no kids and it was loads of fun.

And then my super talented friend, Marylou made me these awesome blinged out flip flops, which I love to wear, but only when my toenails are cute. I didn't have cute toenails today so I had to take a picture of them alone. But trust me -they look amazing on! If you like - go to Greenweaves.com in my shout outs and send her an email telling her you want some.


Okay, so my camera stinks and does these shoes no justice. But there's the basic idea. They are blingin'.

And I actually got other stuff besides that, which is crazy because it's my birthday, not Christmas, but it felt like Christmas. I have never had so many gifts and attention lavished upon me. I feel very loved.

Thank you, all, for making it a fabulous beginning of my 33rd year.

Arizona Haunting

For Halloween, I've decided to share some personal haunting experiences that me and my family have had. If you like to be completely freaked out, then I highly recommend clicking on my link ARIZONA HAUNTING under SHOUT OUTS on the right side of my blog.

Read with caution. Some of them are super creepy, but all are very real. And some have happened in the home I live in now. Let's just say...you probably won't want to come for a visit after reading these stories.

So Much To Blog - So Little Time

Okay, I have been totally out of it. I've had a lot going on. The following have been my priorities lately:

1. Getting rid of clients. Yes. You did read that correctly. I am going full time with an on-line company called PSI so I can have no stress, no driving, no printing, no phone calls, and weekly paychecks with full time benefits. YAY! It's about stinkin' time!

2. Getting ready for "The Green Card" interview.

3. Getting out of prison. Okay, so that's a bit dramatic. And not as bad as it sounds. I'll explain later. You'll have to stay tuned.

Here are the posts you can look forward to over the next week: (sigh - oh goody)

1. My Birthday - Let's Go Down the Checklist, Shall We?

2. Sylvie-Faye's Birthday.

3. The Prophet Said To Plant A Garden (There's a bit of nudity in this one. Sorry in advance....unless you like that sort of thing, in which case - you're welcome.)

4. The Great Escape (This is the prison story. Sorry, but you'll have to get through three posts before you get to view this one. Hang in there my friends.)

5. My Man - A Birthday Tribute (Ah yes, it will be as sappy as it sounds.)

And finally...

6. The Gate - A Halloween Tale of Horror (Complete with pictures that will send you running from your computer howling. Yes honey, this one pokes fun at you, but I did give you a birthday tribute beforehand so you can't be too mad.)

There you go. I hope you'll enjoy. Now, back to the job that actually pays me. I'll have to get to this later.

What is THAT?!?!

Teacher: Welcome to class everyone. Today I've brought something to share with all of you.

Timmy: What is it, teacher?

Teacher: What do you think it is, Timmy?

Timmy: (Shrugging) I dunno. Roadkill?

Teacher: (Rolling her eyes) Very funny, Timmy. Anyone else wanna' take a guess?

Susie: Is it an animal of some kind, teacher?

Teacher: (Scoffing) Okay, if you're all going to be a bunch of smart alecs, I just won't bring treats in anymore!

Timmy: (Surprised) That's a treat? You mean we're supposed to eat that?

Timmy starts gagging.

Teacher: All right, mister. That's enough! It's banana bread!

Timmy: That's banana bread?

Teacher: Well, of course it is! I had a little trouble with it. It didn't come out so pretty, but banana bread is not the easiest thing to make, you know.

Timmy: My 5-year-old sister makes banana bread and it looks better than that!

Timmy begins gagging uncontrollably now.

Teacher: Timothy Thompson! If you don't stop that this instant, I'll send you off to the principal's office!

Johnny: Uh...teacher? I don't think he's playing around.

Timmy proceeds to vomit all over the classroom floor. Suddenly the rest of the class is vomiting uncontrollably.

OKAY...so my sister has been telling me for years that banana bread is the EASIEST thing to make and she's taught other friends to make it and it's all turned out great. Just great. So I find myself with four bananas that seriously need to be made into bread or thrown away and I'd rather not waste, so I figure here's my big chance to make banana bread. I ask her for her recipe, which is super easy and straightforward and yet I end up with the above picture and it's completely inedible. HOW?!?!?! Is it my oven? Is it just a bad oven? I was spoiled in Queen Creek. I had a gas stove and gas oven. They were so efficient and everything cooked up perfectly. Since I've lived in this home with the old stove and oven, I often can't cook a chicken casserole, pancakes absolutely will not work out. It's gotta be this oven and stove. GRRRR!!!!!

Who Knew?

Skekses make great babysitters! I know, weird, huh? But, seriously, we put The Dark Crystal on and our kids like go in a trance and then they stay that way for like 1 1/2 hours. It's so great. I love that they're so into this movie!

What's that, you say?

It's not because they like the movie? Are you kidding me? Did you see the picture?

What? It's because the Skekses are forcing my kids to look into the dark crystal and it's sucking the life out of them, which they gather into a large cup and the new emperor drinks it and turns more youthful so he can continue his evil reign?

DANG IT! I knew it was too good to be true! (SIGH.)

Well...it keeps my kids quiet...

Oh, leave me alone!!

Hidden Talent

Bertrand occasionally snaps a picture while on the job. Today he captured this one. I thought it was pretty amazing. Unreal...like a painting or something. But that is actually a HUGE black butterfly that he caught up close and personal. He's thinking someday he'd like to have a nice camera and do some photography on the side. I'm thinking he might be onto something.

The Yard Bandits!

That's right! We're the yard bandits!



And if you don't watch it, one day you might look out your front window and see us doing...

THIS!!!!

Hey! Why are you smiling?
Oh. You like that, huh?
You like that?
Well....good.....'cause....we're gonna' do it....if you don't watch it!

Random Tidbits From A Typical Day

7: 30 AM - The day started out with a very frustrating incident that I cannot talk about, but I got very upset, said a few choice words and then did something equivalent to what one of my toddlers would have done in this situation. A few minutes later my husband entered my office area, looked up and said...

"What happened here?" To which I replied, "I got mad". He raised an eyebrow and slowly backed out of the room without another word. (He's well trained).

9:00 AM - It was time to do some more typing and I wasn't feeling very motivated, so I grabbed a bag of M&Ms and opened them up. Now, the bag was brand new. I was the first to infiltrate it. However, when I poured a few out onto my desk, I encountered...

THIS!

What would you do? It looks rather suspicious, however let me remind you it was a fresh bag of M&Ms and I was desperate.

Okay, if you're shouting "Don't do it!" at your computer screen right now, relax. I didn't do it. I'm not THAT desperate. Not yet, anyway. I tossed it. It was too scary.

11:00 AM - I continued on with my typing when suddenly I heard the piano playing rather loudly and some off-pitch singing accompanying it. I looked over and beheld...

THIS!

Now, I know it's a duet when two people play, but what do you call it when THREE are going all at once? A trip-let?

Yeah, I'm not laughing either. Not funny.

5:00 PM - Anyway, it was nearly time for dinner and I wanted to cook some fresh ears of corn, so I started shucking away, that's when I heard the little voice...

SYLVIE: Mommy, wanna helper you.

MOM: Oh, honey, not tonight, okay? Mommy needs to do it quickly.

SYLVIE: MOMMY! Wanna helper you!

MOM: (Sigh) Okay. Here you go.

I handed her an ear of corn and she started shucking it.

CHLOE: MOMMY!

MOM: What, honey?

CHLOE: Undecipherable noise.

MOM: You want to help too?

CHLOE: YEAH!

MOM: Okay, here you go.

MOM: No, Chloe! No, baby! You don't eat it!

(Quickly panning the surrounding areas for any witnesses to the crime. All clear.)

MOM: (Half-whispering) Here, Chloe. Give me that. Let's throw it in the pot quick. That can be daddy's.

9:00 PM - Everyone is in bed, except mom and dad.

12:00 PM - Mom and dad are finally relaxed enough after a hectic day to go to bed.

2:30 AM - LOUD THUNDER! HOUSE SHAKING! Mom shoots up in bed and gasps, realizes it's just a storm and falls back into bed.

2:35 AM - LOUD THUNDER! HOUSE SHAKING! Mom shoots up in bed and gasps, realizes it's still just a storm and falls back into bed.

2:40 AM - LOUD THUNDER! HOUSE SHAKING! Mom shoots up in bed and gasps, realizes it's STILL just a storm and is about to fall back into bed when she hears Sylvie screaming bloody murder!!!

3:00-4:30 AM - Mom makes makeshift bed by pushing love seat, ottoman and overstuffed chair together. As soon as bed is set up and kids are tucked in, storm is long gone. (SIGH) Kids were having too much fun to tear it all down right away, so mom put up with it for 1 1/2 hours!!!!! Where's my Mother Of The Year Award? NOW I'm feeling worthy of it!!!!

How To Tuck In A Baby Sister

A three-part instructional brochure by Master Toddler, Sylvie-Faye Coppee.

1. After baby sister has climbed on couch, throw blanket over her body and tell her to lie down on pillow.

2. Sometimes it is necessary to straddle baby sister and push firmly on head until it has touched down on pillow. Continue this action until screaming subsides and baby sister loses strength and head involuntarily flops onto pillow.

**Helpful Hint: Offering candy will often bring on baby sister's submission a lot quicker.

3. And finally, tuck in blanket around baby sister and tell her, "Now go to sleep and no skweaming, ok? If you swkeam, I spank you bum, ok?"

If you have any questions, please feel free to call: 1-800-B-AFRAID

I Can't Say It Enough People!

SHOES are important!

PANTS

ARE

NOT!

Got it?!?!?!

Now! Next week's discussion...

Hair.

CHLOE: Ugh. I can't look. When is it going to end?

Better Than The Radio

Whenever I take my girls with me on errands, I buckle them in, start the car, turn on the radio or pop in a CD and zone out. It's like my "quiet time". The girls usually just listen to the music and look out the windows and it's nice just to escape the house and not have kids constantly fussing at me or fighting with each other.

But yesterday was different. Yesterday I was driving along, driving along, zoning out and suddenly I realized my girls were in the backseat singing. Not with the radio - just their own tunes. Sylvie was running through her ABCs, which she LOVES to do now because she thinks she's got it, and Chloe always copies Sylvie, so she was belting out jibberish thinking she was singing along with Sylvie.

I slowly phased out the radio and just enjoyed listening to my baby girls sing. I know they won't be little for long and I realize it's important to relish these moments, so I did. And, of course, tried not to laugh. Here's Sylvie's version of the ABCs. (I actually jotted it quick on the back of my checkbook so I wouldn't forget exactly how she sang it because I think it's hilarious!):

A B C D E F G H I J K Emma Nenna Peeeeee! Chew R Est T U B Bubble U X Nine and Z.

Now I KNOW (shouted out) my ABC's. H I J K Emma Nenna Peeeeeeeee!!

And then there's Chloe's version: (Sung at the top of her lungs to dry to drown out Sylvie - these two are going to be competitive teenagers. I can feel it now).

BABY BEE BEE MOMMY MEEEE BABY WEE WEE BEE BEE MEEEEEE!

My ladies. I love these girls!

Blame It On Henry!

HIM: Hey Babe, how come all of these channels are blacked out?
ME: Oh, I called and had those extra movie channels removed.
HIM: Why?
ME: It saves us like 50 bucks a month.
HIM: Oh. Okay. Wow. There's lots of good movies on, but we can't watch them now.
ME: Yeah. Well, I'm having them all turned back on in December.
HIM: Oh really? Why?
ME: Because Tudors will be back on for its third season.
HIM: Are you kidding me?
ME: What?
HIM: You're turning it all back on just so you can watch that show?
ME: Yeah!
HIM: Wow.
ME: What?
HIM: Nothing.
ME: WHAT?!?!?!

Yes. Very nice.

Mmm Hmm. Even better.

Wow! Okay, I can't take it anymore. January 2009 can't come fast enough!

Is my decision making sense to you yet?

Thank You!

MEN!

HIM: Hey hon?
ME: Yeah?

HIM: What's that stuff in the blue bowl in the kitchen?
ME: Cake batter.

HIM: Oh.
ME: What?

HIM: Are you still using it?
ME: No. I already made enough cupcakes out of it.

HIM: Okay, good.
ME: Why? What happened?

HIM: Well, I ate it all.
ME: WHAT?!?! (Laughing) You ate it ALL?!?!

HIM: (Laughing) Yeah. It was good.
ME: OH MY GOSH! That was a lot of cake batter.

HIM: I know.
ME: Well thanks for eating it all and THEN asking me!

How We Discipline

Mission: Get Chloe to eat at least three bites of dinner.

Strategy: Promise her a cupcake if she eats three bites. Count out loud with entire family and make big clapping scene in between each bite.

Back Up Strategy: Re-enact a Mexican stand off scene and DO NOT back down at any cost!

Description of proceedings: Chloe eats two bites and shuts down. Completely. Back up plan put into play.

Wanna see a picture of this real live Mexican stand off?

Bam!

Bam!

There you have it!

As you can see from this photo, Chloe made an unexpected surrender and was released from her high chair prison. Why we have to re-enact historical battles to get our children to eat is beyond me, but I'm now reading a book about WWII to get some ideas for dinner tomorrow night.

A Tale of Two Sylvies

There are two Sylvies in my house. At first I thought maybe it was just one girl with two personalities, but now I'm quite sure it's two different children, both Sylvies.

Here's Sylvie #1. She's extremely helpful and sweet.

Here she is going to help Papa clean pools for the day.

And here she is making chocolate milk for her baby sister.


Then, there's Sylvie #2. The very thought of her makes me shudder. It's an altogether different sort of creature...the kind that sneaks up on you while you're engrossed in a project and you are completely focused on what you are doing - in another world almost when suddenly you turn and are faced with ....

THIS! And you gasp in horror and it responds with "I a wobot, mommy". And you think, "Well, it said mommy, so maybe it's a good creature after all".

But within less than a half hour, you're making your way to the kitchen for a nice glass of ice water and as you turn the corner, you nearly bump into...

THIS! She's got her tools and she's on a mission. I don't even want to know what she's plotting next. By the way, that pacifier - came out of nowhere. She has NEVER, EVER in her life taken a pacifier. Not even as an infant. She just found this thing in our house somewhere, amongst some old boxes and adopted it. This is how I know, without a doubt, there are two Sylvies in this house. This one is not the baby I birthed and brought home. This is some sort of spawn. I don't know if we got it wet and it multiplied or if the radiation from the microwave and television did it, but something has duplicated my darling daughter. I'm just afraid of what the spawn of this creature will be like...

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!

(Panting) Oh John, it's just you. You cannot DO that to me right now! I'm right in the middle of talking about the spawn of Sylvie and I'm a little jumpy right now, OKAY!?

Whew! Sorry, it's just that I was conjuring up visions of...

THIS! See? You'd be jumpy too. I bet you're freaking out right now as you read this.

That's Gonna Cost You!

This afternoon I was hunched down by the kid videos, looking for a good one to entertain the kids for a bit. Just then I heard a little voice behind me.

E: Ummm....Sister Coppee. If you want me to fix you, I can, but it's gonna' cost you a lot of money.

ME: Ew. A lot? Like how much?

E: (Scrunching her face up and thinking hard) Like...ummm....ten million hundred zillion million dollars....and fifty cents.

ME: (Sweating profusely) Oh wow! I don't think I can afford that.

E: Well, you're gonna have to die then because you're really sick.

ME: Okay, I guess I'm gonna have to die. (SIGH) Oh well....

E: (Guilt setting in) Well....okaaaay. I can fix you for three dollars.

ME: Whew! Okay. I can afford three dollars. (I'm suspicious. She really knocked a lot of money off there and I didn't even really have to bargain with her. This can't be good.)


I handed Dr. E. three dollars (Not really, because truthfully, I don't even have THAT right now. But fortunately, she humored me and accepted my "air" money).

I then turned to the DVD player and inserted "Little Mermaid" for the kids to watch. That's when Dr. E. seized the moment and proceeded to pull out a toy syringe and stab me (very unexpectedly) in the left breast.

ME: Yowch! Right in the boob!?

E: (Giggling) Yep.

ME: You were gonna' charge me more than 10 million dollars just to stab me in the boob?

E: (Laughing hysterically) Yep!

ME: MAN! I thought OUR health care system was bad. I don't wanna' live on the planet you come from!

**Now, if you're one of the mothers who sent her kids over to play today, I'm not posting this to tattle, so don't call me and ask if it was your kid. I've changed the names to protect the innocent. I just think kids are hilarious and today yours wins the prize...whoever you are.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

Who's there?

MRSA. (Pronounced Mer-sa)

MRSA who?

MRSA who?!
What do you mean, MRSA who?
MRSA that's been killing off your husband for 1 1/2 years.
That's WHO!!

Oh. Oh yeah. I was trying to forget you existed.

Hey, listen lady!
Just 'cause you ain't heard from me in two weeks,
doesn't mean I don't exist.
I'm stickin' around 'til my job's complete.

Your job?

That's right.

That being....?

Killing off your HUSBAND!!!! HELLOOOOO!!!!

TRUE STORY

One week ago, Bertrand stopped off at a Circle K to get a drink. He was going to be working on a pool repair job out in the heat and he stopped in for some hydration. He pulled his truck into the parking space and as he climbed out, he glanced into the truck parked next to him and saw an old American-Indian lady sitting there, looking back at him. He smiled at her and then continued up the walk toward the front doors of the store.

Just then he heard an old lady's voice calling out to him.
"You're sick", she said.
Bertrand whirled around and stopped, "What did you say?"
She eyed him up and down and said, "I see a bug inside of you. You're very sick."
Bertrand just stared at her, eyes wide open, mouth agape.
Just then an American-Indian man exited the store and saw the two staring at each other.
"What's going on here?", he asked.
Bertrand turned around to the man and said, "This woman is telling me I'm sick".
The Indian man spoke in Apache to the old Indian lady. Then he turned to Bertrand. "Is this true? Is there something wrong with you?", he asked.
Bertrand nodded, "Yeah. Actually, I've been diagnosed with MRSA and I have been told it's killing me".

"Then you should listen to her", said the Indian man.
The old lady spoke in Apache to the Indian man and then turned around and walked back toward the truck.
The Indian man turned to Bertrand and said, "She has something for you."
The old Indian lady returned with a necklace. It was an Apache tear. She told Bertrand to wear it always. She said it would cleanse him.

He hasn't taken it off since.