It's ON, Donkey Kong!

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

These two were like best friends forever!

Until this thing came along (cue Psycho theme)

Eww. Stop it. Nobody wants to see that. Trust me. Have you read the tabloids lately? Well...you should. Nobody likes you, Spencer. Go away! Nobody likes you either, Heidi, so wipe that smug grin off your face.

Ew! OK. That's not helping either! I don't know what's worse. Couldn't you at least kiss Brody Jenner for this blog post? (Scoffing) Whatever! Who cares. Anyway...

So, they were all possibly friends again...until the moment we've all been dreading arrived - they both decided to become fashion designers! AT THE SAME TIME! (Turn up the volume on the psycho music). They each chose different methods for design and the battle between Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad was on! (Brace yourselves)

HM: I like totally know what girls want to wear. Even though you hardly ever see me wearing clothes in public, I know about clothes because I shop. A lot. And I just like know what people want and I want the....poor, like lower class kind of people to be able to look good too, so I'm selling a line of clothes that looks like everything else out there . But I'm putting my name on it, so people are gonna' totally buy it because I'm cool. Just ask Spencer.

LC: Oh yeah? Well, my designs are so much better. Mine are high fashion. I've been to Paris.

HM: What? You switched sides? OMG! Does Brody know?

LC: Not that Paris, idiot!

LC: Yeah! That one...with the Awful or Eiffel Tower thingy. I can't remember.

HM: Did you just say Awful Tower? OMG! Who's the idiot now?

LC: Shut up! I'm LC from the Hills. I know what I'm talking about.

HM: Oh yeah? You think people are going to take you seriously after that totally gross outfit you wore? Were you wrestling someone at a trailer park after the Disney event or what? I mean, seriously! What is up with that?

LC: Whatever, Heidi! We all saw your skanky music home video that your ugly chipmunk boyfriend made. You know, the one where you had lots of studio tweaking on the vocals and you still sounded like a dying animal thingy taking its last breath?

LC: Oh, by the way, I made this on my lunch break. It's my favorite picture. It's a dinosaur eating you, but then he spit you back out because you taste like Bree (it's a cheese from France that totally tastes like stinky feet. Bet you didn't know that, bimbo!) Anyway, you can have it. Happy Birthday.

Ladies! Ladies! Neither one of you knows what you're talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride that I introduce the latest, most cutting edge designer of the century!

House of Sylvie!

This year florals and Dora shoes are in! Here, she's paired a lovely pink flowered, flannel pajama-style leisure suit with a blue crocheted cap and....of course...the MUST HAVE of the season - Dora crocs.

Oh, and pink ballet slipper shoes go with EVERYTHING this season. Yes, I said everything. Here, Sylvie-Faye shows us her bold sense of style when she dresses up a pair of pajamas with those pink slipper shoes and voila! She's ready to hit the town.

I love, love, LOVE this ad campaign, by the way. It's very Calvin Klein.

Hold Up! One Sec!

I'm having a Jason Behr moment.

Dear Jason,

I'm your biggest fan. (No. No. Everybody says that) Let's try this again.

Dear Jason,

I fall asleep thinking about you. In fact, I wake up thinking about you. I think about you while I'm typing my boring reports all day long (sigh).....DANG IT! No! That will never do! Too creepy. He's going to get a restraining order on me for sure.

Jason,

Hang in there. You've done a lot of movies lately, but they've all been crap! Pure crap! At least it's kept you busy and paid some bills (Although your comment that you'd pay to be in a movie if the story was good has me worried. No. I shouldn't worry. The stories weren't good in any of those so you couldn't possibly have paid). Anyway, just wanted to drop you a line quick and let you know that I have been working on a script for the last six weeks and I think it's really good and of course you'll be starring in it. So, have no fear - I am doing what any good American would do - (spending my free time trying to get you A-listed, silly. No, YOU'RE silly! Oh yeah? Well you're sillier! You're the silliest. Ok. Stop it! I have to get back to my letter) Don't get your hopes up too high, though. I'm a nobody and I haven't found an agent yet to help me sell my script. But, the important thing is, I'm trying....

OK. And also I'm your biggest fan! I love you, Jason Behr! (Sorry, couldn't resist).

Love,

Your biggest fan ever! XOXOXO

(Sigh) Ok. I'm good to go for another week. Sorry for the interruption.

Now, where was I?

Ah yes - making fun of my kids.

When The House Gets Quiet...(All you moms out there know what's coming next)

Recently, the house was so still one morning, I could hear the fruit fly in the kitchen....ok, maybe not THAT still, but so quiet, it was scary. Oh, and yes - we have a resident fruit fly. He's been around for a week now. (If you're the landlord reading this - I know, I know - no pets allowed. Trust me, this wasn't planned. It's not like we went to the pet store and intentionally picked him up. He smuggled himself in on a banana from Mexico or something.) Anyhoo, I laid his brother out between my bare hands the other day. It wasn't pretty...unless you like the color reddish-brown...with a little green...and also....ok - too graphic and I'm getting off the subject.

So, I begin my ritual of scouring the house as quickly as possible. I always start in the front room because...well, it's at the front of the house. It just makes sense. So, I arrive and find John has built a beautiful robot...man...thingy out of the soft blocks. Pretty cool. I stopped to admire it. Then it hit me. I still haven't found the girls and the house is still very quiet. Not a good sign.

Alas! The fair maiden, Chloise (pronounced Klo-eeze) was sitting in a corner on her tuffet (not eating curds and whey like the nursery rhyme, though. Sorry to disappoint). My sweet baby girl was reading a book....alone....in a corner of John's room. Told ya' my girls love books. I lieth not. I sighed a huge sigh of relief. No swishing in the toilets with the hands. No pulling all of mommy's shoes out of the cubbies and dispersing them about the house. No painting baby sister's face with mommy's nail polish. WHEW! No major catastrophes today!

Well, except for maybe this getup. I've seen worse, but this was pretty grotesque. First of all - it's not swimming season. (Your lack of season recognition is an insult to this household, Miss Coppee!) And secondly, that swimsuit is way too small. I can almost see your 'squito bites'. It's like that neighbor we had when we were kids who would mow the lawn in his British flag Speedo. (We called him 'species', remember?) Not a pretty sight. And the Dora shoes are NOT helping! The only thing that could make this outfit right would be to wrap your food-encrusted blankie around yourself and accent it somehow with the mangy cat (which smells of stale ketchup, by the way). If they ever do a reality show about fashion UNconscious families - we'll be on for sure.

If Only It Were THIS Difficult To Get ME To Eat!

Feeding time is so annoying around our house. First of all, Sylvie-Faye just doesn't want to eat anymore. Well, I shouldn't say she doesn't want to eat at all. The truth is, she wants to eat, but only if she can walk around the house and also it has to be either chocolate, candy, ice cream, pockaple (popsicle) or pop.

I have tried so many different tactics to get her to eat and I finally found one that works. Sylvie-Faye is really into monsters and being scared lately, so if I pretend like the food is a poor, innocent little creature and she's the monster, she'll eat it and growl afterwards. I have to scream in a high-pitched voice and say, "No. Please. Don't eat me. Don't eat me" and then Sylvie growls, "I monster. I eatchoo." She then bites the eating utensil as hard as she can, takes the food from it and growls like a monster. It's....lovely that my little girl acts this way at the table.

Then there's Chloe who doesn't need me anymore. She thinks she's all grown up and can do it all herself. She likes to feed herself and I know, she's 14 months old now. I should let her learn these things, but it makes such a mess. It's a battle every time, so I have to put the food on a spoon or fork and hand it to her. She feeds it to herself.

Today at lunch, the monster tactic wasn't working anymore, so my sweet boy, John, stepped in and said, "Mom, I can get her to eat". He ran to his room and pulled out a book about elves. Then he sat down and read the first page to Sylvie. My girls LOVE having stories read to them, so she was excited and listened to the first page. Then John turned to her and said, "Do you want to see the next page?" Sylvie said, "Yes!" So John said, "OK. Take a bite of food and I'll read the next page." Sylvie said "No." John said, "OK. No story then". Then Sylvie screamed. John said, "You want a story?" Sylvie said, "Yeah".

So John fed her a bite of food and proceeded to read the next page. This continued on for the 13-page book. A very long and painful process, but hey - she ate - the whole bowl of food. Hooray! It's ridiculous the hoops we jump through to get her to eat. I really wish it were this difficult for me. I'd look fantastic!