F.H.E.

F.H.E. What does it mean? Well, being raised in the church, we were all taught it meant Family Home Evening, but I have a few other ideas about what these letters stand for.

1. Five Hundred Excuses why it's not a good night, not a good time. Somebody's always too tired or too busy or too annoyed by someone else to have a nice family night.

2. Flippin' Hilarious Episodes like on this particular night where we had a nice little lesson on being clean and cleaning up after ourselves. And then we played Hide and Go Seek. Just one time. We live in 1500 sq. ft. and there's five of us, so after one round, we've run out of spaces to hide. But that one round is pretty fun. And then....the grand finale - the moment our 2-year-old couldn't stop talking about all night until we finally sat down to do it - the strawberry dipping in chocolate. I splurged a tiny bit and bought a little pack of three different chocolates to dip strawberries in. So we had a taste testing.

As usual, Chloe dipped her strawberry in chocolate and then closed her eyes, tilted her head back and rubbed her chocolate-covered strawberry all over her face and hair while she cooed. It's like...her little happy place or something. Anyone remember the scene from Billy Madison where Miss Lippy is dancing around alone in the classroom, humming and smearing mayo all over her face while the kids are out at recess? Well, Chloe enjoys that type of activity. She finds great pleasure in smothering herself in whatever we're eating.

So we all started laughing because it's pretty funny when she does it. Chloe always just stares at us all curiously. She doesn't understand what we're laughing about. So I grabbed my camera quick and snapped away - trying to capture the moment. Then I sat back and watched my children - enjoying our good time together. That's when I noticed something was missing. I had purchased a pack of THREE, yet there were only TWO types of dipping chocolate - the double chocolate delight and orange chocolate. The amaretto was missing. That's when I noticed something else was missing. I glanced about the room and...

There he was - hiding in a corner of the kitchen. I asked him what he was doing as I moved in for a closer look. He was slurping something down by the spoonful. That's right - the amaretto chocolate. Nice, honey.

Trying to find a lesson and activity to keep my husband, pre-teen and two toddlers interested for more than 2 minutes leaves me...

3. Frazzled. Haggard. Exhausted.

A Doll's Life

Check it out. I make this bed like five times a day. I'm not kidding. It's so annoying. I don't even have time to make my own bed, I'm always making theirs. And they just sit on their bed like that, pretty much all day. Just talking about what they're gonna' do that day because neither one of 'em works. I don't know where they get all their money (probably in the stock market or something - the mom needs to use some of it to get that mane tamed). Anyway, the fact is they do pretty well for themselves. Look, they've got some human giant cleaning their house more than once a day. I mean, that can't be cheap.

The One and ONLY Kristin Coppee

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I love it! NOBODY has my name. So, if you ever hear the name Kristin Coppee, they're talking about me!

Patty Cake Patty Cake (The Remix)

Daddy's working a full day today. It's Saturday. It started out sad, but then I saw this as an opportunity to spend some quality time with my Sylvie-Faye since Chloe is down for a nap and John is gone to scout camp. My kids don't get a lot of attention during the week because Bertrand and I work so much, so getting some one-on-one time during the weekends with each child is a real treat. First we enjoyed a little ice cream with a movie.

Then I thought, "I wonder if she knows Patty Cake. I've never taught it to her, but I wonder if she picked it up from somewhere else yet?" So I asked her if she wanted to play it and she drew in a deep breath, her eyes got big and she said, "YEAH MOMMY!" She was so excited, so I thought, "Oh. Cool. She knows it."

We sat across from each other and clapped our hands together. I started to say it with her, but she clapped her hand over my mouth and said, "No mommy. Sylbie do it, okay?" So I said, "Okay" and let her go to town.

Here's how it went:

Patty Cake. Patty Cake. (incoherent mumbling)

(Then we skip ahead)

Roll it. Roll it. Roll it. Roll it. Roll it. (At this point, her eyes crossed and she got this kind of blank stare, obviously mesmerized by the movement of her arms rolling over one another)

(So I prompted - "Mark it with a B")

(Then Sylvie jumped up in the air and threw her hands up)

WIGGA WIGGA MIGGA WIGGA MIGGA MIGGA WIGGA WIGGA!

"Yay mommy! I do it! Sylbie do it!"

I was laughing so hard I cried. Sylvie got a curious look on her face and cocked her head to one side.

"What mommy?"

I continued laughing, so she grabbed my face with both hands.

"Mommy. Mommy. What mommy?"

I said, "You're just so cute, Sylvie. That's what", to which she simply replied, "Oh".

Then she jumped up and down and said, "Again, mommy! Again!"

I wish I knew where our video camera was at that moment. Hopefully sometime this weekend and I can capture it on film.

Still Not Photogenic

Well, it's been several months since I last posted extremely unflattering photos of my beautiful young ladies and lamented that we are just not photogenic. I decided to check in now and see if our condition has improved any. As you can see from the photo, it has not. In fact, the condition has progressed quite rapidly and I'm afraid it's become terminal. I fear we are non-photogenic for life. A cure has not yet been found. But we are keeping the faith, my friends. Please, we beg of you, at this very difficult time in our lives, if you have any spare change and you're looking to donate to a charity, please donate to THE CURE FOR EXTREMELY NON-PHOTOGENIC PEOPLE charity. It's for a good cause. Do you want to see this young lady in the photo above suffer like this for the rest of her life? Please, people. Donate. Do it now. Pick up that phone and dial.

Happy Tax Day!

So, here's a fun little tax day story for ya'. I tried to e-file my taxes and the IRS rejected it because they said that all three of my children have already been claimed as dependents by someone else.

All of 'em. And so I'm sitting here, scratching my head wondering if maybe Bertrand isn't the real father after all. I mean, I know John has a different father and obviously he's decided he should get to claim him, but my other two? What, did he claim them too?

To say I'm annoyed right now is a gross understatement. Last year the IRS wouldn't send us our check because they claimed I hadn't filed taxes for three consecutive years. I dug up the old returns and proved them wrong and then got to wait a few more months extra to get my check.

Thank you IRS. You're lovely. Just lovely. You make tax time extra special for me every year and now I feel like I need to give back. How can I give back to the IRS? Hmmmm......I'm working on that one.

My Latest Feat

I started a new blog on the side. It's called NO MORE SODA EVER. Check it out. I'm linked up to it. I'm on a crusade, my people. I hope you'll join me.

A Day In The Life

Welcome. We're so glad you could join us today.

Now please. Sit back. Relax. And join us in the celebration....

of MOTHERHOOD!

YAAAAY!

WOO HOO!

AWESOME!


EVEN BETTER!

SF: Mommy, want dink.

M: Oh my gosh! This is like your fifth drink in the last half hour! I'm getting you one more and that's it! No more! OK?

SF: O-K! MOMMY!

(Phone ringing)

M: Hello?

L: Hi. This is ____ from Dr. ____'s office. We have an emergency report we need you to type up ASAP.

M: Okay. I'll get right on that.

L: Okay. Great. We're watching for it to come over the FAX machine. The doctor needs it right away.

M: Yeah. Okay. No problem.

(Phone hangs up)

M: Now. Where was I? Ah yes. The hallway mess. I wonder if my vacuum can suck all of those big pretzels up. All I know is I am NOT getting on my hands and knees and picking each one of those up individually, so this better work.

(Vacuum turns on and starts to suck up the pretzel mess. Suddenly it stops.)

M: What? No. Did I just break the vacuum? Great. Just great.

SF: Hi mommy.

M: (Sighs) Sylvie-Faye! I should have known it was you.

SF: S'all done, mommy. S'all done.

M: No, Sylvie, it's not all done. Please give me that cord, so I can plug it back in.

(Phone ringing)

M: Hello?

L: Hi. This is __________ calling from Dr. ______'s office. We got your husband's culture results back. He has an infection called MRSA. It's deadly and highly contagious, so you'll want to sanitize your entire house, not sleep in the same bed with your husband and try to keep contact with him to a minimum.

M: Oh my gosh. Really?

L: Yes. I'm calling in a prescription for him right away. You need to pick it up ASAP and have him start taking it right now.

M: Okay.....thanks....I guess.

(Phone hangs up)

M: Oh my gosh. I can't deal with that right now. I'm completely overwhelmed. I need to get that report done. They're waiting at that other office.

SF: Mommy, want more dink.

M: OH MY GOSH! NO!

SF: MOMMY! WANT DINK!

M: NO!

SF: SYLBIE WANT DINK WIGHT NOW!

M: MOMMY WANT SYLBIE GO NIGH NIGHT!

SF: No!

M: Yes!

SF: Aaaaaaahhhhhh!

M: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

M: That's it! Where's the phone?

(Dialing) - Beep Beep Bop Bo Beep Bop Boop!

Ring. Ring………Ring Ring…….

D: Hello?

M: You need to come home right now!

D: Why?

M: It's the children!

D: What happened?

M: Nothing yet, but if you don't get home in thirty minutes, you're gonna' be walking into a live taping of CSI.

D: (Sighs) Hold on a sec. (Turns to boss) I need to go home. My wife is losing her mind.

BOSS: Your wife is always losing her mind.

D: I know. I know. But at least she's consistent. That's a good quality, right?

BOSS: (Scratching his goatee) Hmmm….good point. OK. Go on home.

D: Okay. I'm coming home right now.

M: 30 minutes.

D: I'm coming as fast as I can.

M: 30 MINUTES!

D: I can't control traffic, babe. It might be a mess out there on the freeway.

M: 30 MINUTES OR IT'S CSI! YOUR CHOICE! Oh, and by the way, I just got a phone call from the doctor's office. You're dying of MRSA and you need to start the antibiotic ASAP.

D: Oh my gosh! Are you serious?

M: It depends. Will it help you get home any faster?

D: Uhhh. Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm completely in shock. Am I really going to die? Is that what they said?

M: Hey, we're all gonna' die eventually, ok? Just - for you it's coming a lot faster.

D: Oh my gosh. I'm gonna die.

M: Yep. You're gonna die. The children are gonna die. We're all gonna die. So, hurry up and get home so we can get on with it already, okay?

D: Uhhh…..okaaay.

M: Great. See you in 30.

Click.

You have just witnessed a day in the life of Kristin "Psycho Serial Killer in the Making" Coppee.