Lessons Learned From Toddlers

Yo! Yo! YO! What's up, my people? Super-Fly GMC in the hiz-ouse! (Sylvie-Faye Gretchen Marie Coppee, that is. Yes, my parents actually did that to me. Five names. It's amazing I'm so well adjusted. What are we - royalty? Geez!) Today I'm gonna' show all you happenin' "tods" what's up! It's time for Surviving The Toddler Years One-Oh-One! There's five key points in this first lesson and I'm using the help of my annoying baby sis, Chloe "Laryngitis" Coppee to help me demonstrate these new concepts, yo! (Well, she should have laryngitis with all the screaming she does. It's amazing she still has vocal cords intact!)

1. You can never get too close to the TV.

2. If you can't play a game by the rules...

...change 'em.

3. Swimming pools are lame.

4. Office chair rides through the house rule!

5. And finally, if mom says "no" to the third packet of fruit snacks, just go grab it anyway when she's not looking and lure your baby sister under the kitchen table with you.

Then, play nice and giggle a lot (especially make the baby sister giggle a lot)

Hearing this will put mom in an exceptionally good mood (most likely because you and baby sister have been screaming for two weeks straight and she's losing her nerve), and when she finally walks over and takes a peek...

..she'll find the giggling and hiding so darn cute, she'll overlook the underage scheming and give you want you want.

**She might even throw her head back and roar with laughter and then pull out her camera and snap tons of pictures. That's what my mom did anyway. That's how you got these lovely, full-color illustrations with the story, fool!

So I Think I'm In Love!

I'm sorry, but I'm obsessed with Chelsie and Mark from "So You Think You Can Dance". And I mean obsessed! I love that show. I live for that show right now!
They say they view each other as brother and sister, but I'm not buyin' it!

There is so much emotion in their performances and they have amazing chemistry. Brother and sisters don't have that. Come on! The tension between these two just builds week and after week and I am losing my mind!

At least it keeps me occupied until Breaking Dawn comes out because my obsession with the final book in that series is like ruining my life! So I need another distraction! Thank you, Chelsie and Mark, for making that happen!

Saturday Is A Special Day It's the Day...

You wake up in the middle of the night with a millipede trying to crawl into your eye.

Wait a minute. That's not how the song goes. But that's how it went for me Saturday night. Something was crawling all over my face. I finally woke up and smacked at my face. When I looked down upon my pillow, there was a big, juicy millipede! I screamed and Bertrand shot straight up in bed.
My husband rescued me and picked the critter up and tossed it in the toilet. He walked out a few seconds later and climbed back into bed. I couldn't sleep. I swear I felt things crawling all over my body. I was tossing and turning and scratching myself everywhere. I had the "heebie jeebies" big time!

I finally got up to use the bathroom and when I went in, I said, "Honey?"

B: What?
K: What did you do with that thing that was on my pillow?
B: I put it in the toilet.
K: Well, did you flush it?
B: No.
K: Well, I don't see it in here.
B: It's dead, hon. Come back to bed.
K: Well, I have to go to the bathroom and I don't see it in the toilet and you didn't flush it and I'm really worried. What if it crawled back up and got out or what if I go to the bathroom and it crawls on me?
B: Hon, it won't.
K: It might.
B: It won't.
K: I don't like that I can't see it. I need to know where it is.
B: (Growl).

He put his pillow over his head and tried to go back to sleep. LOL. Poor guy. I crawled back into bed. I laid there thinking "What WAS that thing exactly and HOW did it get on my face? WHERE did it come from?"

K: Babe?
B: (Muffled) What?
K: I'm sorry to bother you again, but how did that thing get in here?
B: I don't know.
K: Well, I just don't understand how a big, juicy creepy crawly ends up on my face. I'm just freaking out about where it came from.
B: It probably came in the window.
K: But it couldn't have. I mean, we have a screen up and I haven't opened the window in months.
B: Well, it might have gotten in the window somehow.
K: No. That's impossible. It got in here a different way. I'm just freaking out about how!
B: Babe, it's gone now. Just go to sleep.
K: Yeah, but what if there are more? What if another one gets on my face again after I fall back asleep?
B: It won't.
K: It might.
B: It won't.
K: Well, I'm going to freak out and scream again if it does.
B: (Growl).

House of Sylvie - Makeup Line

Hey there, unibrow.

Channeling Frida Kahlo this season, are we?

Very risky indeed. But why do I get the feeling this look won't catch on here in the US?

Anything You Can Do...

Ah, the magical ages of 1 and 2. And to top if off - the competitiveness of sisterhood!

I ate dinner alone with the girls tonight. John was off to his dad's for the weekend and Bertrand was still at work.

SYLVIE: (SIGH).

ME: What's the matter, Silb?

SYLVIE: Well, I not feel good.

ME: Okay. Well, no treats after dinner then.

SYLVIE: (Excitedly) YEAH! Want treats!

ME: Well, not if you don't feel good.

CHLOE: MOM! E! (She shouts it in two short bursts these days).

ME: (Gasps) Chloe doesn't feel good either?

CHLOE: Yeeaaaaaaah. (She always says this word like she's high. It's long and drawn out in a big sigh)

I start to feed Chloe another bite of food.


SYLVIE: Hey mom! Mom! MOMMEEEEE! Mom! Mom! Mom! (All in quick succession - not really giving me an opportunity to answer in between)

ME: (Sigh) What Silb?

SYLVIE: Wock on!

ME: Yeah. Rock on!


CHLOE: YA YOW! YA YOW!

MOM: Oh! Are you doing "rock on" too?

CHLOE: Yeeeaaaaaaah.

ME: Oh yeah, Chloe. Rock on!

Smithy

It's a new expression I invented...I think.

It's actually a word. It was used in the "olden days" (only because I don't know history and I'm too lazy to look it up) to describe a blacksmith's workshop, I think. I don't know. Do you wanna' look it up? 'Cause I sure don't. Here's a pic.

It just came out of nowhere one night when JJ and I were driving somewhere and this is how it went down:

ME: We need to buy you some new clothes.

JJ: Why?

ME: Don't you like buying new clothes?

JJ: No.

ME: What?

JJ: What's wrong with the clothes I have?

ME: I don't know. They're a bit Smithy, that's all.

JJ: Smithy? What the heck is Smithy?

ME: I don't know. It just came out, but I think it means "old and outdated - in need of refreshing or something..."

JJ: You're a freak, mom.

ME: I know, huh. (In British accent - for more spice) Smithy. I kind of like that. It's my new word. I've never invented a word before, but I think I just did.

JJ: Oh my gosh. Stop. Please.

ME: (In British accent) I'm feeling a bit Smithy right now myself.

JJ: Mom! You're embarrassing!

ME: Well, it's better than being (in British accent) Smithy.

There you go - a new word. Smithy. Using a British accent enhances it. Gives it more flavor. (Sigh) Why can't I have a job that employs my mind so I don't come up with random garbage like this? Well, I'm afraid it's stuck. Smithy it is.

What I Need!

My good friend, Michelle, had posted this on her blog and I thought it was hilarious. Plus, I was also curious about myself, so here's what you do - you Google your name and type "needs" after it. So, for example, I typed "Kristin needs" into Google. Then I typed "Bertrand needs" and here's what it came up with.

1. Bertrand needs a thesaurus (Oh my gosh! So true! He's writing a book and he's constantly consulting one)

2. Bertrand needs a whole lotta car (I know. I hear about it every day)

3. Bertrand needs five million francs (even just five hundred would help)

4. Bertrand needs a hug (Awww. Poor guy)

5. Bertrand needs some loyal supporters (He already has those, but maybe he could use more)

Now, my turn.

1. Kristin needs to move (Definitely, but not away from the ward)

2. Kristin needs her own show (Definitely)

3. Kristin needs a nap (Definitely!)

4. Kristin needs to be everywhere (Definitely)

Do I say definitely too much? (DEFINITELY!)

Try it. It's hilarious! I dare you all to post the results on your blog.

I'm Sorry....

Did I complain about living in Arizona? I take that back.

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For David Cook Fans Only (If you're not, go away!)

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/realityrocks/87152/best-idol-ever

What Say You, Sylvie?

SYLVIE-FAYE: Mommy? What's dat, mommy? What's dat?

ME: That's your dinosaur, honey.

SF: What? He's in da twash, mommy.

ME: I know. I put him there, okay?

(Sylvie scowls at me and shifts from left to right to left)

ME: Mommy's cleaning. I'm throwing dinosaur away because you don't play with him.

SF: Well. You naked.

**Just for the record, I was not totally not naked. Not even close. It was like she was trying to insult me with that because she was mad that I was throwing away her dinosaur toy. Yes, you read that correctly. The dinosaur was actually hers. No, I did not buy it for her. Somebody gave it to her because she really wanted it. Anyway, I'm doing some major cleaning out in their room and dinosaur was just part of the mess. She wasn't playing with him anymore.


ME: Something smells like bubble gum. Who smells like bubble gum?

SF: Well. I not, mommy. It's Chwoe.

ME: Chloe smells like bubble gum?

SF: Yeah. Chwoe do dat.

ME: Chloe did what?

SF: Chwo eat mommy's gub gum. (Turning to Chloe and pointing a scolding finger) No Chwoe, okay? No do dat mommy's gub gum. Want spankings? Huh? Wanna go time out?

CHLOE: NO! NO!

ME: Come here, Sylvie.

SF: What?

ME: Somethings bulging in your pocket. Come here.

I discover an entire pack of gum in there, which has been opened and a couple of pieces are missing.

SF: What's dat, mommy? That's gub gum.

ME: Yeah. That's mommy's. Where did you get that from ?

SF: Well...I not sure.

ME: You're not sure.

SF: Umm...Chwoe do dat.

I go to my stash cupboard (I've replaced candy with sugar free gum in all flavors, which entices the toddler). I open my stash cupboard wide.

ME: Is this where you got mommy's gum?

SF: Uh....YEAH! Dat's mommy's gum. Sylbie no touch it, okay?

ME: Sylvie-Faye Coppee! You ask mommy. You don't get into mommy's gum, okay? If you ask me, I'll give you a piece.

SF: Okay, mommy. (Raising her hand and staring intently as she tries to hold up fingers and count) I do one, two, free, four times and dat's all, okay mommy?

ME: No. You don't do two, three or four more times. You don't do it anymore.

SF: O! K!

ANNOUNCER: "The Heroes Have Entered The Building. I repeat. The HEROES have ENTERED the building."

Look at that! I can't compete. He is like their hero or something. He comes home from school and they just squeal and jump him every time. Look at Chloe just adoring him off to the side.

And then there's Papa! Chloe is actually crying because she has to share him with Sylvie. She hates when Sylvie gets to get picked up too. They want him all to themselves.

Nobody wants me....except when they need something.

Not So Random

I've been tagged. I apologize. I must give 8 random facts. And you all must suffer through one more round of randomness. However, I'm really not that exciting. Not very random. My life is pretty mundane and predictable, though I do try to make certain choices to throw things off a bit just for fun. THAT was random. Let's call that number one. And no, I won't go into detail.

2. I love dark hair and dark skin. Really wish I could have had that naturally. Instead I must dye my hair and sunbathe and explain to strangers on a regular basis that YES, the girls are in fact my biological children even though their coloring is NOTHING like mine because I'M TOTALLY FAKE! (All right. Got a little carried away there. Anyway....where was I....ah yes..)

3. I'm going to make a movie someday with James McAvoy. I know. Totally random. I'm not even in the movie making business. Not even close. But I will. Just watch. It's not IF, people. It's WHEN. Keep watchin'.

4. I used to wear wigs and go out on the town and put on an accent and pretend to be someone else. If you know me well, this doesn't surprise you. I KNOW! I should TOTALLY have gone into acting. I'm still going to. Check out #3.

5. My wedding ring is totally fake. HA! And I can't stop telling people that. My husband hates that I do that, but I think it's awesome. My ring is like HUGE! Totally fake. I mean, come on. I drive a Hyundai Elantra. Why would I have a REAL 5 carat ring? Seriously! I'm sorry, but when a doctor's wife complains that her ring is smaller than mine, I can't just stand there and pretend like it's true that her husband is a cheapskate, even though he probably is because most doctors are. But anyway, I can't let her go home and make her husband feel bad. My ring is FAKE! Just like me.

Oh thank goodness we're almost done with this torture. Are you hanging in there? You're still reading this? All righty then - I'm bringin' it. Here we go.

6. I love the color purple. A lot. BORING! I know. But there's more. One day I read an article that this lady loved pink so much that she dyed her white cat pink. So the other day I was like driving down the road listening to "Muse", which totally inspires me to write lately. But also, it inspired me to want to buy a little white dog or cat or something and like dye it purple. But then I was like, "Well, how would I do that? Because I think that lady did it with Kool-Aid, but then wouldn't that make the cat be all sticky and stuff? That's no good. The cat will just lick it off. I guess I could use food coloring. Wait. Is that safe? Aw, who cares. I can't believe I just spent 10 minutes of my day thinking about that. Never mind". The idea seemed fun, though....for about 10 minutes.

By the way, in case you're wondering - no. I'm not doing drugs right now. This is how my mind works and you're the innocent victim getting a, most likely, unwanted peek inside the madness.

7. If I could have a super power, it would be to become invisible so I could spy on people and not be seen. Okay, if you've had this conversation with me before, I said a totally different answer - the one I always use because it's safe - "I wish my super power was to be able to see the future because I'd find out the winning lottery numbers and WIN!" Sounds safe enough, doesn't it? But here's the awful truth - I am a voyeur. People fascinate me and I like to watch them. I wish I could be invisible and just stare at people and they wouldn't even know I was there. (I'm doing an evil laugh right now. You should be very afraid of me). It's totally true - I would rather spy on people than win the lottery and be rich. CRAZY!

8. I always wanted to be a goth chick. I just thought it would be cool. One of my good friends told me once that she's a former goth chick and I didn't believe her because she doesn't seem the type. Not at all. But she was. And now I'm kind of bummed I didn't get to have that phase. I think it's kinda too late for me now. I mean, I have kids and stuff. And also I'm 32. That's kind of lame. Maybe for Halloween....or not. I think I embarrass my kids. Well, not the 1 and 2-year-old. They don't know any better. But the 11-year-old....yeah! Definitely.

Oh, would you look at that! I gotta go. It's like 9:40 PM on a Saturday night and I totally need to go grocery shopping. Can't be breaking Shabbat now, can we? Nope. Not me. Have a good one. Hope you enjoyed the insanity. Buh bye now.

**Disclaimer: I was totally joking. This whole post was a joke.

What? You don't believe me? Oh. Okay then. Never mind. It was all true. I'm just feeling a little vulnerable, that's all. No big deal, though. We're all freaks, right? At least I admit it. Right? Hello? Okay, I'm thinking I should probably hide out for a few weeks. Let this all just pass.

Happy Sabbath To You Too!

Sylvie-Faye is quite the character. Lately she's been spewing out a few phrases that I'd like to be able to blame on other children or television or....just anything else besides the ugly truth - it came from me.

Here comes the big defense: Sometimes both girls scream and we're in the car, which is small and it echoes and they won't stop, so I have to resort to shouting "Shut up! That's enough! Shut up right now or I'm pulling over and you're getting spanked". Not only does this work, but unfortunately it's the only thing I've found that seems to work. My girls know I mean business, so when I threaten to pull over and spank, it's gonna happen no matter what. Now, you may be thinking, "Well, why don't you just say 'be quiet' or something like that?" Believe me. I've tried. 'Be quiet' doesn't work. 'Shut up' does.

SO, the other day Sylvie-Faye said, "Shabbat". I said, "What did you say?" She became sheepish and mumbled "Shabbat". I was mortified. I thought, "Oh no, my sweet little toddler is saying horrible things". I hyperventilated a little bit and felt really guilty. Then I stopped and thought for a second and said, "Wait a minute. What did you say, Sylvie?" She said, "Shabbat, mommy!"

"OOOOHHHH!" I replied. "SHABBAT. Now that's different. That's not shut up. That's shabbat, which in Jewish means happy Sabbath. Now THAT's okay to say". So now when she says, "Shabbat" I just reply with, "Happy Sabbath to you too, my friend". Man, that girl is smart! I did not know she was learning Jewish too! Wow!

Monkey! WHAT have you DONE?!?!?!

WARNING: I'm just gonna' tell you right now - this is NOT for the weak of stomach. And you should definitely not be eating while reading this blog. So, if you're sitting there, having a little snack, or eating your breakfast or lunch in front of your computer and just checking out some blogs for fun, this is not the blog to check out today.

Okay, now that you have been fairly warned - let us proceed.

When our kids reach a certain age, we take them to a store with stuffed animals and let them loose. They roam the store and make a selection. This then becomes their animal for life. The reason we let them do this is because we've found (just in our personal experimentations) that our kids are drawn towards the animal which best represents their personality and then we can study that animal and find out how best to deal with our kids. I never thought of this idea with John, therefore he does not have an animal attachment.

With Sylvie-Faye, she chose a cat. I thought "She's only 1 year old. She can't possibly know what she wants." I took the cat away and put it back. We tried for the next 10-15 minutes to get her interested in something else, but to no avail. She wanted that cat and to this day, has not let go of it. That cat is her constant companion. The cat no longer looks like the beautiful ball of fluff in the picture above. It's been with her for 1 1/2 years and it's pretty mangy because those two do EVERYTHING together.

We've noticed that Sylvie is like a cat. She loves to cuddle up and cozy her face into your neck and purr, but other times she wants to be left alone and keep to herself. And if she's trying to get somewhere or do something and you try and stop her, she hisses and scratches and puts up a terrible fight. Also, she loves fish and milk, hates baths and will only let you groom her when she's in the mood for it.

Next came Chloe. Sometime around her first birthday we took her to the Phoenix Zoo. As I'm sure you know, they have vendors all over that place with stuffed animals of all kinds for sale. We took Chloe around the zoo and introduced her to nearly every stuffed animal they had. She made her selection and, once again, we tried to take it away from her and get her interested in something else, but she always went back to that particular animal. It's what she wanted and to this day she has not let go of it. It has become her constant companion.....and her partner in crime.

And this is where our horrific tale begins.

This week, the girls have had to stay home with me. Their caregiver has had Strep throat visiting and then my girls became ill themselves, so we all had to stay home together.

One late morning, I put Chloe down for her nap...with her monkey...as usual. But this was no ordinary day.

All was still. All was quiet. And this lasted a good two hours.

Suddenly I heard talking, very soft, gentle cooing, some faint little squeals. But no crying. No "Mommeeeee", which is usually what she says when she's awake and ready to get out of bed. I let her play a while, but then I decided she needed to get up, so I slowly opened the door and peeked in. The smell just about knocked me back out into the hallway.

I opened the door completely and walked in, squinting at the floor beside her crib. The girls' room is always an absolute disaster, so it's hard to tell what things are sometimes. As I crept closer, I realized....

There were little turds all over the carpet. "OH MY GOSH! That is DISGUSTING!" I cried. "Chloe! What did you do? Why is there poop on your floor?"

I jumped up and looked in on her in the crib. Her hands, hair, nails, bed, walls were covered in poop. The smell was unbearable. She could see that I was upset, so she jumped up, ran to the corner of her crib farthest from me and hid her face.

"Did you do this, Chloe?" I exclaimed. Now you're probably thinking, "Duh. Of course she did it. Why would you even ask her that?"

That's when she peeked out from the corner and pointed her long, skinny finger at the real culprit.

MONKEY!! As you can see from this picture, the evidence is blatantly obvious. Monkey has been caught at the scene of the crime...checking out his handiwork.

Bad, Bad Monkey! Monkey had to go away for a while (okay, just to the washing machine with all of the other bedding covered in feces). Chloe went into a temporary state of depression without her sidekick, but monkey soon returned - clean and fresh and ready to get into more trouble.

Oh, and by the way - Chloe loves to eat bananas, she has long skinny arms and legs, which she wraps around your body when you hold her, and her favorite pastime seems to be jumping up and down on beds and screeching....like a monkey.

F.H.E.

F.H.E. What does it mean? Well, being raised in the church, we were all taught it meant Family Home Evening, but I have a few other ideas about what these letters stand for.

1. Five Hundred Excuses why it's not a good night, not a good time. Somebody's always too tired or too busy or too annoyed by someone else to have a nice family night.

2. Flippin' Hilarious Episodes like on this particular night where we had a nice little lesson on being clean and cleaning up after ourselves. And then we played Hide and Go Seek. Just one time. We live in 1500 sq. ft. and there's five of us, so after one round, we've run out of spaces to hide. But that one round is pretty fun. And then....the grand finale - the moment our 2-year-old couldn't stop talking about all night until we finally sat down to do it - the strawberry dipping in chocolate. I splurged a tiny bit and bought a little pack of three different chocolates to dip strawberries in. So we had a taste testing.

As usual, Chloe dipped her strawberry in chocolate and then closed her eyes, tilted her head back and rubbed her chocolate-covered strawberry all over her face and hair while she cooed. It's like...her little happy place or something. Anyone remember the scene from Billy Madison where Miss Lippy is dancing around alone in the classroom, humming and smearing mayo all over her face while the kids are out at recess? Well, Chloe enjoys that type of activity. She finds great pleasure in smothering herself in whatever we're eating.

So we all started laughing because it's pretty funny when she does it. Chloe always just stares at us all curiously. She doesn't understand what we're laughing about. So I grabbed my camera quick and snapped away - trying to capture the moment. Then I sat back and watched my children - enjoying our good time together. That's when I noticed something was missing. I had purchased a pack of THREE, yet there were only TWO types of dipping chocolate - the double chocolate delight and orange chocolate. The amaretto was missing. That's when I noticed something else was missing. I glanced about the room and...

There he was - hiding in a corner of the kitchen. I asked him what he was doing as I moved in for a closer look. He was slurping something down by the spoonful. That's right - the amaretto chocolate. Nice, honey.

Trying to find a lesson and activity to keep my husband, pre-teen and two toddlers interested for more than 2 minutes leaves me...

3. Frazzled. Haggard. Exhausted.

A Doll's Life

Check it out. I make this bed like five times a day. I'm not kidding. It's so annoying. I don't even have time to make my own bed, I'm always making theirs. And they just sit on their bed like that, pretty much all day. Just talking about what they're gonna' do that day because neither one of 'em works. I don't know where they get all their money (probably in the stock market or something - the mom needs to use some of it to get that mane tamed). Anyway, the fact is they do pretty well for themselves. Look, they've got some human giant cleaning their house more than once a day. I mean, that can't be cheap.

The One and ONLY Kristin Coppee

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I love it! NOBODY has my name. So, if you ever hear the name Kristin Coppee, they're talking about me!

Patty Cake Patty Cake (The Remix)

Daddy's working a full day today. It's Saturday. It started out sad, but then I saw this as an opportunity to spend some quality time with my Sylvie-Faye since Chloe is down for a nap and John is gone to scout camp. My kids don't get a lot of attention during the week because Bertrand and I work so much, so getting some one-on-one time during the weekends with each child is a real treat. First we enjoyed a little ice cream with a movie.

Then I thought, "I wonder if she knows Patty Cake. I've never taught it to her, but I wonder if she picked it up from somewhere else yet?" So I asked her if she wanted to play it and she drew in a deep breath, her eyes got big and she said, "YEAH MOMMY!" She was so excited, so I thought, "Oh. Cool. She knows it."

We sat across from each other and clapped our hands together. I started to say it with her, but she clapped her hand over my mouth and said, "No mommy. Sylbie do it, okay?" So I said, "Okay" and let her go to town.

Here's how it went:

Patty Cake. Patty Cake. (incoherent mumbling)

(Then we skip ahead)

Roll it. Roll it. Roll it. Roll it. Roll it. (At this point, her eyes crossed and she got this kind of blank stare, obviously mesmerized by the movement of her arms rolling over one another)

(So I prompted - "Mark it with a B")

(Then Sylvie jumped up in the air and threw her hands up)

WIGGA WIGGA MIGGA WIGGA MIGGA MIGGA WIGGA WIGGA!

"Yay mommy! I do it! Sylbie do it!"

I was laughing so hard I cried. Sylvie got a curious look on her face and cocked her head to one side.

"What mommy?"

I continued laughing, so she grabbed my face with both hands.

"Mommy. Mommy. What mommy?"

I said, "You're just so cute, Sylvie. That's what", to which she simply replied, "Oh".

Then she jumped up and down and said, "Again, mommy! Again!"

I wish I knew where our video camera was at that moment. Hopefully sometime this weekend and I can capture it on film.

Still Not Photogenic

Well, it's been several months since I last posted extremely unflattering photos of my beautiful young ladies and lamented that we are just not photogenic. I decided to check in now and see if our condition has improved any. As you can see from the photo, it has not. In fact, the condition has progressed quite rapidly and I'm afraid it's become terminal. I fear we are non-photogenic for life. A cure has not yet been found. But we are keeping the faith, my friends. Please, we beg of you, at this very difficult time in our lives, if you have any spare change and you're looking to donate to a charity, please donate to THE CURE FOR EXTREMELY NON-PHOTOGENIC PEOPLE charity. It's for a good cause. Do you want to see this young lady in the photo above suffer like this for the rest of her life? Please, people. Donate. Do it now. Pick up that phone and dial.

Happy Tax Day!

So, here's a fun little tax day story for ya'. I tried to e-file my taxes and the IRS rejected it because they said that all three of my children have already been claimed as dependents by someone else.

All of 'em. And so I'm sitting here, scratching my head wondering if maybe Bertrand isn't the real father after all. I mean, I know John has a different father and obviously he's decided he should get to claim him, but my other two? What, did he claim them too?

To say I'm annoyed right now is a gross understatement. Last year the IRS wouldn't send us our check because they claimed I hadn't filed taxes for three consecutive years. I dug up the old returns and proved them wrong and then got to wait a few more months extra to get my check.

Thank you IRS. You're lovely. Just lovely. You make tax time extra special for me every year and now I feel like I need to give back. How can I give back to the IRS? Hmmmm......I'm working on that one.

My Latest Feat

I started a new blog on the side. It's called NO MORE SODA EVER. Check it out. I'm linked up to it. I'm on a crusade, my people. I hope you'll join me.

A Day In The Life

Welcome. We're so glad you could join us today.

Now please. Sit back. Relax. And join us in the celebration....

of MOTHERHOOD!

YAAAAY!

WOO HOO!

AWESOME!


EVEN BETTER!

SF: Mommy, want dink.

M: Oh my gosh! This is like your fifth drink in the last half hour! I'm getting you one more and that's it! No more! OK?

SF: O-K! MOMMY!

(Phone ringing)

M: Hello?

L: Hi. This is ____ from Dr. ____'s office. We have an emergency report we need you to type up ASAP.

M: Okay. I'll get right on that.

L: Okay. Great. We're watching for it to come over the FAX machine. The doctor needs it right away.

M: Yeah. Okay. No problem.

(Phone hangs up)

M: Now. Where was I? Ah yes. The hallway mess. I wonder if my vacuum can suck all of those big pretzels up. All I know is I am NOT getting on my hands and knees and picking each one of those up individually, so this better work.

(Vacuum turns on and starts to suck up the pretzel mess. Suddenly it stops.)

M: What? No. Did I just break the vacuum? Great. Just great.

SF: Hi mommy.

M: (Sighs) Sylvie-Faye! I should have known it was you.

SF: S'all done, mommy. S'all done.

M: No, Sylvie, it's not all done. Please give me that cord, so I can plug it back in.

(Phone ringing)

M: Hello?

L: Hi. This is __________ calling from Dr. ______'s office. We got your husband's culture results back. He has an infection called MRSA. It's deadly and highly contagious, so you'll want to sanitize your entire house, not sleep in the same bed with your husband and try to keep contact with him to a minimum.

M: Oh my gosh. Really?

L: Yes. I'm calling in a prescription for him right away. You need to pick it up ASAP and have him start taking it right now.

M: Okay.....thanks....I guess.

(Phone hangs up)

M: Oh my gosh. I can't deal with that right now. I'm completely overwhelmed. I need to get that report done. They're waiting at that other office.

SF: Mommy, want more dink.

M: OH MY GOSH! NO!

SF: MOMMY! WANT DINK!

M: NO!

SF: SYLBIE WANT DINK WIGHT NOW!

M: MOMMY WANT SYLBIE GO NIGH NIGHT!

SF: No!

M: Yes!

SF: Aaaaaaahhhhhh!

M: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

M: That's it! Where's the phone?

(Dialing) - Beep Beep Bop Bo Beep Bop Boop!

Ring. Ring………Ring Ring…….

D: Hello?

M: You need to come home right now!

D: Why?

M: It's the children!

D: What happened?

M: Nothing yet, but if you don't get home in thirty minutes, you're gonna' be walking into a live taping of CSI.

D: (Sighs) Hold on a sec. (Turns to boss) I need to go home. My wife is losing her mind.

BOSS: Your wife is always losing her mind.

D: I know. I know. But at least she's consistent. That's a good quality, right?

BOSS: (Scratching his goatee) Hmmm….good point. OK. Go on home.

D: Okay. I'm coming home right now.

M: 30 minutes.

D: I'm coming as fast as I can.

M: 30 MINUTES!

D: I can't control traffic, babe. It might be a mess out there on the freeway.

M: 30 MINUTES OR IT'S CSI! YOUR CHOICE! Oh, and by the way, I just got a phone call from the doctor's office. You're dying of MRSA and you need to start the antibiotic ASAP.

D: Oh my gosh! Are you serious?

M: It depends. Will it help you get home any faster?

D: Uhhh. Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm completely in shock. Am I really going to die? Is that what they said?

M: Hey, we're all gonna' die eventually, ok? Just - for you it's coming a lot faster.

D: Oh my gosh. I'm gonna die.

M: Yep. You're gonna die. The children are gonna die. We're all gonna die. So, hurry up and get home so we can get on with it already, okay?

D: Uhhh…..okaaay.

M: Great. See you in 30.

Click.

You have just witnessed a day in the life of Kristin "Psycho Serial Killer in the Making" Coppee.

It's ON, Donkey Kong!

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

These two were like best friends forever!

Until this thing came along (cue Psycho theme)

Eww. Stop it. Nobody wants to see that. Trust me. Have you read the tabloids lately? Well...you should. Nobody likes you, Spencer. Go away! Nobody likes you either, Heidi, so wipe that smug grin off your face.

Ew! OK. That's not helping either! I don't know what's worse. Couldn't you at least kiss Brody Jenner for this blog post? (Scoffing) Whatever! Who cares. Anyway...

So, they were all possibly friends again...until the moment we've all been dreading arrived - they both decided to become fashion designers! AT THE SAME TIME! (Turn up the volume on the psycho music). They each chose different methods for design and the battle between Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad was on! (Brace yourselves)

HM: I like totally know what girls want to wear. Even though you hardly ever see me wearing clothes in public, I know about clothes because I shop. A lot. And I just like know what people want and I want the....poor, like lower class kind of people to be able to look good too, so I'm selling a line of clothes that looks like everything else out there . But I'm putting my name on it, so people are gonna' totally buy it because I'm cool. Just ask Spencer.

LC: Oh yeah? Well, my designs are so much better. Mine are high fashion. I've been to Paris.

HM: What? You switched sides? OMG! Does Brody know?

LC: Not that Paris, idiot!

LC: Yeah! That one...with the Awful or Eiffel Tower thingy. I can't remember.

HM: Did you just say Awful Tower? OMG! Who's the idiot now?

LC: Shut up! I'm LC from the Hills. I know what I'm talking about.

HM: Oh yeah? You think people are going to take you seriously after that totally gross outfit you wore? Were you wrestling someone at a trailer park after the Disney event or what? I mean, seriously! What is up with that?

LC: Whatever, Heidi! We all saw your skanky music home video that your ugly chipmunk boyfriend made. You know, the one where you had lots of studio tweaking on the vocals and you still sounded like a dying animal thingy taking its last breath?

LC: Oh, by the way, I made this on my lunch break. It's my favorite picture. It's a dinosaur eating you, but then he spit you back out because you taste like Bree (it's a cheese from France that totally tastes like stinky feet. Bet you didn't know that, bimbo!) Anyway, you can have it. Happy Birthday.

Ladies! Ladies! Neither one of you knows what you're talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride that I introduce the latest, most cutting edge designer of the century!

House of Sylvie!

This year florals and Dora shoes are in! Here, she's paired a lovely pink flowered, flannel pajama-style leisure suit with a blue crocheted cap and....of course...the MUST HAVE of the season - Dora crocs.

Oh, and pink ballet slipper shoes go with EVERYTHING this season. Yes, I said everything. Here, Sylvie-Faye shows us her bold sense of style when she dresses up a pair of pajamas with those pink slipper shoes and voila! She's ready to hit the town.

I love, love, LOVE this ad campaign, by the way. It's very Calvin Klein.