It's ON, Donkey Kong!

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

These two were like best friends forever!

Until this thing came along (cue Psycho theme)

Eww. Stop it. Nobody wants to see that. Trust me. Have you read the tabloids lately? Well...you should. Nobody likes you, Spencer. Go away! Nobody likes you either, Heidi, so wipe that smug grin off your face.

Ew! OK. That's not helping either! I don't know what's worse. Couldn't you at least kiss Brody Jenner for this blog post? (Scoffing) Whatever! Who cares. Anyway...

So, they were all possibly friends again...until the moment we've all been dreading arrived - they both decided to become fashion designers! AT THE SAME TIME! (Turn up the volume on the psycho music). They each chose different methods for design and the battle between Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad was on! (Brace yourselves)

HM: I like totally know what girls want to wear. Even though you hardly ever see me wearing clothes in public, I know about clothes because I shop. A lot. And I just like know what people want and I want the....poor, like lower class kind of people to be able to look good too, so I'm selling a line of clothes that looks like everything else out there . But I'm putting my name on it, so people are gonna' totally buy it because I'm cool. Just ask Spencer.

LC: Oh yeah? Well, my designs are so much better. Mine are high fashion. I've been to Paris.

HM: What? You switched sides? OMG! Does Brody know?

LC: Not that Paris, idiot!

LC: Yeah! That one...with the Awful or Eiffel Tower thingy. I can't remember.

HM: Did you just say Awful Tower? OMG! Who's the idiot now?

LC: Shut up! I'm LC from the Hills. I know what I'm talking about.

HM: Oh yeah? You think people are going to take you seriously after that totally gross outfit you wore? Were you wrestling someone at a trailer park after the Disney event or what? I mean, seriously! What is up with that?

LC: Whatever, Heidi! We all saw your skanky music home video that your ugly chipmunk boyfriend made. You know, the one where you had lots of studio tweaking on the vocals and you still sounded like a dying animal thingy taking its last breath?

LC: Oh, by the way, I made this on my lunch break. It's my favorite picture. It's a dinosaur eating you, but then he spit you back out because you taste like Bree (it's a cheese from France that totally tastes like stinky feet. Bet you didn't know that, bimbo!) Anyway, you can have it. Happy Birthday.

Ladies! Ladies! Neither one of you knows what you're talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride that I introduce the latest, most cutting edge designer of the century!

House of Sylvie!

This year florals and Dora shoes are in! Here, she's paired a lovely pink flowered, flannel pajama-style leisure suit with a blue crocheted cap and....of course...the MUST HAVE of the season - Dora crocs.

Oh, and pink ballet slipper shoes go with EVERYTHING this season. Yes, I said everything. Here, Sylvie-Faye shows us her bold sense of style when she dresses up a pair of pajamas with those pink slipper shoes and voila! She's ready to hit the town.

I love, love, LOVE this ad campaign, by the way. It's very Calvin Klein.

Hold Up! One Sec!

I'm having a Jason Behr moment.

Dear Jason,

I'm your biggest fan. (No. No. Everybody says that) Let's try this again.

Dear Jason,

I fall asleep thinking about you. In fact, I wake up thinking about you. I think about you while I'm typing my boring reports all day long (sigh).....DANG IT! No! That will never do! Too creepy. He's going to get a restraining order on me for sure.

Jason,

Hang in there. You've done a lot of movies lately, but they've all been crap! Pure crap! At least it's kept you busy and paid some bills (Although your comment that you'd pay to be in a movie if the story was good has me worried. No. I shouldn't worry. The stories weren't good in any of those so you couldn't possibly have paid). Anyway, just wanted to drop you a line quick and let you know that I have been working on a script for the last six weeks and I think it's really good and of course you'll be starring in it. So, have no fear - I am doing what any good American would do - (spending my free time trying to get you A-listed, silly. No, YOU'RE silly! Oh yeah? Well you're sillier! You're the silliest. Ok. Stop it! I have to get back to my letter) Don't get your hopes up too high, though. I'm a nobody and I haven't found an agent yet to help me sell my script. But, the important thing is, I'm trying....

OK. And also I'm your biggest fan! I love you, Jason Behr! (Sorry, couldn't resist).

Love,

Your biggest fan ever! XOXOXO

(Sigh) Ok. I'm good to go for another week. Sorry for the interruption.

Now, where was I?

Ah yes - making fun of my kids.

When The House Gets Quiet...(All you moms out there know what's coming next)

Recently, the house was so still one morning, I could hear the fruit fly in the kitchen....ok, maybe not THAT still, but so quiet, it was scary. Oh, and yes - we have a resident fruit fly. He's been around for a week now. (If you're the landlord reading this - I know, I know - no pets allowed. Trust me, this wasn't planned. It's not like we went to the pet store and intentionally picked him up. He smuggled himself in on a banana from Mexico or something.) Anyhoo, I laid his brother out between my bare hands the other day. It wasn't pretty...unless you like the color reddish-brown...with a little green...and also....ok - too graphic and I'm getting off the subject.

So, I begin my ritual of scouring the house as quickly as possible. I always start in the front room because...well, it's at the front of the house. It just makes sense. So, I arrive and find John has built a beautiful robot...man...thingy out of the soft blocks. Pretty cool. I stopped to admire it. Then it hit me. I still haven't found the girls and the house is still very quiet. Not a good sign.

Alas! The fair maiden, Chloise (pronounced Klo-eeze) was sitting in a corner on her tuffet (not eating curds and whey like the nursery rhyme, though. Sorry to disappoint). My sweet baby girl was reading a book....alone....in a corner of John's room. Told ya' my girls love books. I lieth not. I sighed a huge sigh of relief. No swishing in the toilets with the hands. No pulling all of mommy's shoes out of the cubbies and dispersing them about the house. No painting baby sister's face with mommy's nail polish. WHEW! No major catastrophes today!

Well, except for maybe this getup. I've seen worse, but this was pretty grotesque. First of all - it's not swimming season. (Your lack of season recognition is an insult to this household, Miss Coppee!) And secondly, that swimsuit is way too small. I can almost see your 'squito bites'. It's like that neighbor we had when we were kids who would mow the lawn in his British flag Speedo. (We called him 'species', remember?) Not a pretty sight. And the Dora shoes are NOT helping! The only thing that could make this outfit right would be to wrap your food-encrusted blankie around yourself and accent it somehow with the mangy cat (which smells of stale ketchup, by the way). If they ever do a reality show about fashion UNconscious families - we'll be on for sure.

If Only It Were THIS Difficult To Get ME To Eat!

Feeding time is so annoying around our house. First of all, Sylvie-Faye just doesn't want to eat anymore. Well, I shouldn't say she doesn't want to eat at all. The truth is, she wants to eat, but only if she can walk around the house and also it has to be either chocolate, candy, ice cream, pockaple (popsicle) or pop.

I have tried so many different tactics to get her to eat and I finally found one that works. Sylvie-Faye is really into monsters and being scared lately, so if I pretend like the food is a poor, innocent little creature and she's the monster, she'll eat it and growl afterwards. I have to scream in a high-pitched voice and say, "No. Please. Don't eat me. Don't eat me" and then Sylvie growls, "I monster. I eatchoo." She then bites the eating utensil as hard as she can, takes the food from it and growls like a monster. It's....lovely that my little girl acts this way at the table.

Then there's Chloe who doesn't need me anymore. She thinks she's all grown up and can do it all herself. She likes to feed herself and I know, she's 14 months old now. I should let her learn these things, but it makes such a mess. It's a battle every time, so I have to put the food on a spoon or fork and hand it to her. She feeds it to herself.

Today at lunch, the monster tactic wasn't working anymore, so my sweet boy, John, stepped in and said, "Mom, I can get her to eat". He ran to his room and pulled out a book about elves. Then he sat down and read the first page to Sylvie. My girls LOVE having stories read to them, so she was excited and listened to the first page. Then John turned to her and said, "Do you want to see the next page?" Sylvie said, "Yes!" So John said, "OK. Take a bite of food and I'll read the next page." Sylvie said "No." John said, "OK. No story then". Then Sylvie screamed. John said, "You want a story?" Sylvie said, "Yeah".

So John fed her a bite of food and proceeded to read the next page. This continued on for the 13-page book. A very long and painful process, but hey - she ate - the whole bowl of food. Hooray! It's ridiculous the hoops we jump through to get her to eat. I really wish it were this difficult for me. I'd look fantastic!

Tagged Again!

As if my last tag response wasn't scary enough, I've been tagged again. This time Koe wants to know 7 random and weird facts about me. In my opinion, all facts about me are random and weird, but here goes - this is probably the easiest tag I've ever had....or not. I have to tag 7 people? I don't know that many people. AAAHHH!! Okay, I'll try.

Here's the rules:

Once you are tagged, link back to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Post 7 random or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
Tag 7 people and link to them.
Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.

Seven Random or Weird Facts About Me:

1. I don't clean my house. Not ever. My husband does.

2. I believe in aliens, but not dinosaurs, which is funny because supposedly there is solid proof of dinosaurs, but no real solid proof of aliens. I just don't believe the museum exhibits and scientific studies. I don't know why.

3. I met my husband for the first time on my wedding day. The marriage was arranged. By me and him. lol.

4. I have a hard time looking at people when they talk to me. I have been doing medical transcription for ten years and I zone out while I type, so I've trained my eyes to not focus on anything, so now when I have to, it takes hard work and concentration. I notice this problem the most when people are talking to me and I have to look at them. It's very difficult. My eyes wanna cross and stare off into space.

5. Like my friend who tagged me, I also like to pick my kids' noses, particularly my 1-year-old, Chloe's. She has the crusties in the morning and I like to dig them out. It's therapeutic.

6. I write music as a hobby, which I'm trying to make into a living, but I can only get inspired to write when I'm really tired, hot and sweaty and my heart is pounding really fast. I kind of go into this weird, hallucinogenic state and the words and music just come to me. It's the ONLY way I can write. So, I have to either go work out hard at the gym or take a hot bath - so hot that it kind of burns me, and I sit in it and sweat and start to lose my mind.

7. My family nicknamed me Frass, which somebody looked up one time years ago and found out that frass is actually the scientific term for caterpillar poop. Coincidence? I'll never know.

Ok, now I tag:

*Margo
*Michelle
*Audrey
*Disco Boy
*Superman
*Ashley
*Katie

Weekend Getaway

Our friends, the Crandells invited us to Sedona this weekend to stay in their vacation property and it was AMAZING! Sedona is so gorgeous! Our camera doesn't even do it justice. We seriously need to buy a better digital camera. One that can zoom. But, out of 50 bazillion pictures, this was the best one I got of Sedona.

The Crandell's vacation home is....WOW! It was pure luxury. We stayed with them in a three-bedroom condo with two family rooms, TVs in every room,

huge showers in the three bathrooms.

A gorgeous full kitchen complete with every appliance and dish you could possibly need,

and, most importantly - jacuzzi tubs in every room. I never got to use it, but John John did twice and he said it was AWESOME, so I'm going to take his word for it.

We arrived Friday evening and Saturday morning, we took a drive to the snow. The snow was so thick and fresh that with each step we took, we were in up to our knees, so we found this "island" - a picnic table out under the trees and we all stood on it and watched the brave ones make snowmen and throw snowballs.

Look at this handsome little dude. This is the Crandells' son. Their only boy.....so far. He's such a little stud in that leather jacket. Chloe had a thing for him.

Our friends, the Worthens, were invited up too. Here's Dave Worthen with Bertrand.

And here's Jenn Crandell and I stranded on the picnic table with our babies. I say "stranded" because we found ourselves caught in the snowball fight crossfire, but in order to get back over to that camper and truck behind us (mostly hidden by the wall o' snow) we'd have to trek back in snow up to our knees carrying babies. We fell a few times. We were soaking wet, but we had a blast.

John enjoyed the snowball fights. It was hard to get a close up of him because he was always off in the distance, running behind trees and pelting people.

Here's a couple of his victims. Alec looks like he's in pain.

Miranda was a good sport.

Margo was the photographer most of the time, but we found someone willing to stop pelting everyone with snowballs long enough to snap a picture. Chloe enjoyed just being held and watching all of the action.

Sylvie enjoyed sucking the snow off of her mittens.

But the best part.....

Was at the end of the day when the kids passed out so the adults could play.

It's divine. I LOVE looking at my kids when they sleep....so peaceful.

This was the best sleep they've all had in a long time!

It was a great weekend! A much needed break! Thank you, Crandells, for inviting us to indulge in the luxury of one of your vacation homes.

Creative Housekeeping Idea #532

I don't know about you, but I HATE mopping my tile floors. I usually let it go for a good week, just doing some light spot cleaning, but I have to get myself psyched to do the whole floor. Well, fortunately there is an alternative:

And it kills two birds with one stone because not only do the floors get wiped clean, but your kids have fun in the process.

Okay, I know they look a little scared here, but they're having fun. Trust me. Chores don't have to be a bore. **Helpful Hint**For the really tough spots, spray a little cleaning solution and let the kids work their magic.

Beep Beep B-Deep Beep To You Too!

Beep Beep B-Deep Deep Beep. Got that?

That's about as intelligent as the conversation got this afternoon, but I guess that's all you can expect when conversing with the birds.

Uncle Will (my super swanky bachelor brother) totally spoiled my kids for Christmas and bought them this super fun bouncy castle. My reaction - Yay! The kids can go out back and jump and I can get 5 minutes of peace in the house! The problem is they will ONLY go in it if I'm in there too, which poses a major problem - my body alone exceeds the weight requirement, so nobody else can get in. So we have to break some rules and in the process I'm wondering how long this poor bouncy castle is gonna' last.

So we're playing around and having a grand old time, but after a while I started zoning out. I was bored, okay? I admit it! So, as I'm daydreaming (Yes, about Jason Behr again. WHAT?!?! If I said I was daydreaming about my husband would you even believe me?.....Yeah, see? That's what I thought) I hear a piercing "Beep B-Deep B-Deep B-Deep!" Like a reflex I answered back. So then it's all "Beep Beep B-Deep Beep Beep!" and again I responded. We carried on like this for a good 15 minutes. I'm not kidding.

Here's a small excerpt from our conversation:

I was all, "Beep Beep Beep B-Deep".
And he was all "B-Deep B-Deep B-Deep".
So I was all "Bidda Beep Bidda Beep Deep Beep Beep Deep".
And he was all "Bidda Bidda Bidda Beep Beep Beep".

I have no idea what we were talking about, but he seemed into it...or maybe it was a she. That would explain a lot...anyway....

Then the bird came into view. He/she perched on a branch near me and sounded increasingly aggressive. All I said was, "B-Deep B-Deep B-Deepity Beep" and that thing got TICKED! It warbled something angry and took off....and that was it....the relationship was over just as quickly as it had started. (Sigh) Birds are so difficult to deal with. They have MAJOR tempers.


People, I have officially lost my mind. But the kids had fun on that bouncy castle and Chloe saw me in a whole new light. She just sat there staring at me like I was some sort of freak show.

Cloverfield

Bertrand and John made the mistake of seeing Cloverfield this weekend. The movie made them so sick because of the way it was filmed that they had to leave. Bertrand got on movies.com tonight to read what other people had to say about it and this was, by far, the best review ever written about a movie - period. Enjoy.

Cloverfield Reader Review by cardoc911 - Movies.com

Okay, so if you read it and you didn't understand it, it's not because it doesn't make sense. It's because there's something wrong with you. It's you, not him. But don't be too hard on yourself. It's okay.

Now if you read below his review, you'll see what everyone else has to say about it and I'm sorry to say - that's the part where Bertrand and I laughed out loud so hard, we were crying and nearly woke the kids up at 10:30 at night! So juvenile. The first comment brought back memories of grade school, but what do you say to a review like that? Seriously.

Been Tagged!

Wow! This is my first time. I feel so special.

1. What two things do you always have with you? Gum and backup gum.

2. What is your favorite TV show? Roswell. I know. I know. It's not on anymore. I'm watching reruns. Does that count? American Idol is my #2.

3. What is your middle name? I don't have one. Well, I do now. It's Poulsen. My parents are old-fashioned. They believe my last name should become my middle when I marry.

4. What characteristic do you despise? Back-stabbing. I've got at least ten scars from it. I'll show you some time. Okay, I've left a few marks on people in my time too, but it's done now. It's done. Enough already!

5. Favorite item of clothing? I don't like clothes right now. Check back in six months when I can get some on that aren't maternity and don't require 2-3 girdles underneath.

6. If you could go anywhere in the world for vacation, where would it be? France with my husband....and then Disneyland with the kids.

7. What color is your bathroom? Oh, it's multi-colored. I think it's supposed to be white or cream or something, but there's lots of weird splotches on the walls from the all of the people who lived here before us. It's awesome.

8. What did you want to be when you were little? An actress and a rockstar. Oh, and also I wanted to save the world. Still do.

9. How are you today? How am I? Or how old am I? I'm confused. I've seen this question answered with a number and for me it's 32. But if you want to know how I am - it's the usual - farty and bloated.

10. What is your favorite candy? Red Vines.

11. What is your favorite flower? Tulip.

12. What is your favorite thing to do? Entertain people.

13. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Any shade of purple.

14. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Michele. Michele is who I end my day with. Each and every day. Love ya' Michele. lol. Okay, I'm joking....kind of. It somehow ends up that way a lot, though. Are we secret lovers or what? Don't answer that. I'll call you later.

15. Hugs or kisses? Kisses. Passionate ones.

16. What is under your bed? I sleep on two mattresses on the floor. But if I HAD an underneath the bed, it would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. My husband would have it cleaned out every day. He's a neat freak. And he married an absolute slob, poor guy.

17. What is your favorite smell? Fresh rain on a hot pavement. I wish they'd make THAT into a candle.

18. How many keys on your key ring? 50 million.

19. What are the top three qualities you value in a friend? Funny, down to earth, slightly crazy.

20. Who is your favorite friend from high school? Sigh. I can't pick a favorite. I had a table full of friends. We were all nerds and rejects, but we stuck together. Well, I was kind of partial to Rachel J. She and I shared a majorly sarcastic sense of humor. Making fun of the popular boys using geometrical proofs was too much fun. I told ya' I was a nerd.

Now you know the true E! Hollywood story.

Oh, and I'm tagging Kachelle and Adrienne.

Suicide Attempt

Bertrand and I took the kids out to eat on Saturday evening. Bertrand HATES doing that, but when we can't get a babysitter and I'm desperate to get out, I try to make it work. We decided on Native New Yorker since it's kind of noisy in there and Chloe has a set of lungs and a famous ear-piercing scream when she's ticked. The guys decided to order wings. I ordered a variety of fruits, breads and veggies to share with the girls.

While mulling over the wing flavors, Bertrand and John decided to challenge each other - see who could withstand a suicide wing, so they each ordered one. The two suicide wings arrived on a silver platter and they each took one, grinning at each other and egging each other on. John took one bite and his eyes began to water uncontrollably. He held the wing off to the side and gasped for air. That's when it happened....

Chloe's eyes locked on the wing. She let out a yell and started to dive for it. I dropped my food, threw my body across the table and grabbed both of her hands shouting, "NO CHLOE! STOP!" Too late. She got suicide sauce all over her little hands. I held each of her wrists in a death grip and shouted to Bertrand to get me one of the wet wipes ASAP! He pointed and stated that they were right under my armpit. I let go of one of Chloe's wrists and grabbed a packet. She instantly took her free hand and wiped it across her face, wiping suicide sauce on her lips, chin, cheeks and even into her eyes. "DANG IT", I yelled. "She's getting it everywhere! I need HELP!" Everyone just sat there. "She's fine", said Bertrand. "Look at her". I looked up at her and she was gasping for air. She balled her hands into fists and was hitting herself in the face and rubbing her eyes as hard as she could. She gasped for air again. I tried to make her drink something, but she wouldn't. She became more and more agitated and gasped more and more for air. At this point EVERYONE in the restaurant was staring at us. I swooped Chloe up into my arms and ran for the bathroom.

I ripped a paper towel off, soaked it in cold water and started washing her face and eyes. She continued to gasp for air, batting at the wet paper towel and struggling to get away from it. Two female servers entered the bathroom and said, "Oh, poor little guy". I explained quick what had happened and they both gasped and clasped their hands over their mouths. One of them told me that our server had gone back in the kitchen and told everyone that a father and son were challenging each other with suicide wings. Even though that restaurant offers the suicide wing, the servers are always amazed, apparently, when someone actually wants to try it. They felt so bad that my baby had it in her eyes and on her face. I washed her off as best as I could and walked around with her for a bit.

When I returned to the table, John was still crying and drinking and saying his mouth was on fire and the burning wouldn't stop. I thought, "Poor little Chloe. She must be in AGONY!" We had to pay our bill and get out of there quick. What a disaster.

Yet Another Dilemma

(BIG SIGH) Okay, here's my dilemma - Bertrand and I are getting the band going again. And I'm not gonna' lie here - it's gonna' rock! (I never said I was modest.) We're changing things up a bit. I did the whole Enya/Jewel thing and it was fun, but now it's time to add some crazy, technical drumming and rock things out a bit more - put a bit more edge to the music.

I got my man this rockin' jacket for Christmas and now he's trying to help me look the image so we go together a little more.



He took a trip to Vegas recently with his brother and came back with this T-shirt.



I love it and I look like a rocker chick with it on, which is the idea, but can you see what's written across the front?

Help me out here - great people of the blogging world. I'm 32, a mother of 3, with a double life. I've got my conservative, serious, total mom side and I've got my wild, driven, fun side. Give me your advice. Do I wear it? Wear it, but make sure I wear a jacket over the top? Or only wear it in the privacy of my home....in my room or bathroom where my kids can't read it?

Confessions Of A Desperate Housewife

One night I was shutting down the house and someone had left the TV on. I went over, picked up the remote and started to turn it off, but then I decided to flip around while I was standing there because I never have time for TV anymore, so I was curious. That's when I happened upon 10 minutes of something that changed my life forever! The last 10 minutes of the Roswell pilot. Now Roswell was a TV series back in 1999. It ran for three seasons. And those of you who are into the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer, this is for you! It's just aliens instead of vampires. I know, I'm a little behind the times, but oh well.

This is Jason Behr you're looking at. He plays Max Evans and I am trying so hard to not worship him. Yes, it's THAT pathetic. But this guy plays an alien named Max Evans and he's so gripping - he's gripped me. I started checking out his other works and this guy is a major talent. He plays so many diverse parts and very convincingly. Oh, and did I mention he's so nice to look at? This guy has got it going on. He should have totally been picked up to play Edward in the Twilight movie. He's like 34 right now, but....I think he can pull off a teenager.

It gets better.....

Here's his gorgeous wife. And this woman is like head over heels for this guy. I mean, every interview I've read, she's gushing about how romantic and amazing he is as a husband, a man...(SIGH). And the two want to work together so bad. They just enjoy each other so much - even after two or three years of marriage. And everyone who has worked with him goes on about how sensitive and caring he is. Just an all around great guy.

I mean, what's not to like? Well, the shorts, but you know what, Jason? I'm going to forgive you for that one because I'm totally distracted by your 12-pack.

So now I face a major dilemma. Who do I daydream about?

Edward the vampire?


Max the alien?

Edward?

Max?


Oooh. What's this? He's lookin' good. I think I'll take him! Oh yeah! Babe, you're still my number one. And I don't feel so bad obsessing over Roswell because you do too. Yay! Now, let's go watch another episode together. Last one to the TV has to give me a foot massage while we watch.