I GOT IT BACK!!!

Ahhh....cable TV, how I've missed you - I mean the REAL you. Not the basic crap that comes with a few channels mostly geared towards children and the rest is regular television or educational stuff. I mean, education is good....for the children.

But as for me, I prefer to be educated in all things celebrity. That is my hobby. These people entertain me with their drama and their priorities, or lack thereof.

Now, several months ago we felt it necessary to reduce our bills around here and thus had our cable channels reduced to practically nothing. It was pointless really. There were cartoons available 24/7 for the kids, but the kids are not awake 24/7 and there's this amazing invention called the DVD player.

Anyhoo, our receiver went on the fritz and upon ordering a new one by phone we felt it necessary to end our misery and boost our cable channels.

Which brings me to the reason for this post - I got E! back! E! Glorious E! E is for entertainment, you know, and that's EXACTLY what this channel provides me - pure entertainment.

Here's what I learned this week: (Squealing) Ooh, this is so exciting!

1. Demi Lovato wore a dress to some "Camp Rock"/Disney event and when an interviewer on the red carpet asked her who the designer was, she didn't even know!

What say you, Carson Kressley?

Thuper naughty!

Mm hm.

2. Julia Roberts had the NERVE to wear a modest dress to a Sony event in Japan.

Thus earning her the title "Grandma".

The HORROR!

Nobody wants to be GRANDMA!

Especially not Joan.

That woman is paying good money to resemble The Joker just to avoid being called "Grandma".

Poor Julia.

Oh, they did say her shoes were cute, though.

Whew! There's hope.

3. When it comes to college fashion, pants are NOT in.

Vanessa Hudgens' fashion choices are apparently deciding this for the rest of the world and I'm thinking...

...a lot more guys are gonna' suddenly realize the importance of a college education in the next few months.

4. Heidi and Spencer (big grin)...sorry, I just LOVE these two. I know people love to hate on them, but seriously, when we all need a good laugh, they come through EVERY TIME!


So, apparently these two are divorced now, which is a HUGE shocker!

Whoa! Not THAT huge!

Gee whiz!

ANYWAY....where was I?

Oh yeah, so OK apparently after the divorce Spencer decided he wasn't done being "famous", so he posted something on Twitter (Are people following him? Really? Ok. Wow.) about how he now had possession of Heidi in a sex tape that he was planning on releasing to the public, but that's not even the disturbing part.

The disturbing part is his description. And I quote: "The sex tape will not feature any bisexuality. It will however feature trisexuality. Also - a triceratops.

Looks like that photo Lo Lo made for her in photoshop years ago gave Spencer some good ideas. For THAT full story, go to my IT'S ON DONKEY KONG post from 2008

Oh man! Good times. Good times.

I learned more, but I'm gonna' just leave you with that because it's a lot to absorb all at once and I don't wanna' overload you with too much info all at once.

So, study up and class will resume next week.

MEOW

"Meow." That's what I say when I'm in a weird mood. I don't know why. It just comes out. Sometimes I drawl it out. Other times I just say it tonelessly.

A few years ago I lived out in Queen Creek and met and quickly became friends with a woman named Amanda. We're like twin sisters in another life. We look a lot alike and we have similar personalities and...basically we're the same person in two different bodies.

ANYWAY...so, we became so close that we kind of had our own special way of communicating. OK, it was just me. I'm a weirdo - that's the only difference between the two of us. I'm the weird twin.

Anytime I saw PRIVATE NAME/PRIVATE NUMBER on my caller ID, I knew it was her and I'd pick up the phone and say, "Meeoooow." She'd laugh every time, which is the main reason I did it, and then sometimes she'd either say "Meow" back or we'd jump into conversation.

During this period of time, we were working with an immigration attorney to obtain a Green Card for Bertrand so I wouldn't have to lock him in the attic to hide him from Sheriff Joe for being an illegal and we did all of our communication through e-mail and snail mail...unless I called his office to speak with him directly to ask a quick question.

One day around noon I received a call from PRIVATE NAME/PRIVATE NUMBER. I was in a particularly weird mood just then and smiled at the opportunity to express my weirdness to the one person who would understand. I picked up the phone and drawled the longest "Meeeeeeooooooow" I'd ever done. It was a new record for me.

There was no response.

I furrowed my brow and pulled the phone back to double check the caller ID, then placed the receiver back to my ear and said, "Meow?"

Suddenly I heard a man's throat clearing and a voice say, "Uhh...hello?"

I gasped and my eyes bugged out of my head. Reflexively I hung up the phone. My jaw dropped and I just sat there frozen. "Oh, crap! That was NOT Amanda. That was our immigration attorney!" I thought to myself in horror.

He was an old man on the verge of retirement and the word serious does not even do this man justice. I don't think a funny bone exists in that man's body. In fact, I believe him to be incapable of showing emotion PERIOD!

He didn't call back.

When I finally recovered from my shock, I dialed Amanda quick. She answered and I called out her name in desperation.

"What? No meow?" She laughed.

"Oh my gosh." The panic was evident in my voice.

"Are you OK? What's going on?" She sounded concerned.

"Uh...." I started in a shaky voice. "my lawyer just called and I thought it was you and I meowed into the phone and he didn't answer, so I meowed again and I heard him clearing his throat, so then I realized it was him and I hung up quick."

She immediately burst into a giggling fit, so I sat there, biting my lip, waiting for her to finish.

"Oh, THAT is hilarious!" She laughed again.

"No, it's not. I feel so stupid right now."

"Oh well", she attempted to console me. "He'll get over it."

We chatted for a few more minutes and then ended the conversation. I made a mental note to never meow into the phone again when PRIVATE NAME/PRIVATE NUMBER called.

The weeks passed and I continued receiving PRIVATE NAME/PRIVATE NUMBER calls from Amanda. I very quickly settled into my usual routine of meowing into the phone when she called. Old habits die hard.

Mid morning one day, as I sat typing medical reports, my phone rang. It was PRIVATE NAME/PRIVATE NUMBER again. I was only too happy to take a break from work and visit with my good friend. I decided to answer with a slight variation and barely squeaked a newborn kitten-sized "meow" into the phone.

There was no response.

I thought perhaps Amanda didn't hear me because the meow was so faint.

"meow" I squeaked again.

No response.

"meow.....meow......meow" I persisted.

Nothing.

I sat there in complete silence - just listening. There was no sound coming from the other end. I thought perhaps Amanda was teasing me, so I decided to say her name aloud, but right before I could get it out, I heard "H - hello?"

My eyes bugged out of my head again. I slapped my hand over my mouth to hold back the horrific sound that wanted to escape my mouth. It was my attorney - AGAIN!

I sucked in a quick breath, which immediately froze in the back of my throat. I sat there paralyzed, holding my breath, trying to think quick "Should I just say hello and explain that I meow into the phone when my friend calls and I thought it was my friend calling? Oh, no. I can't do that. He'll think I'm insane and he won't want to represent us anymore."

I hit "END" on the phone and slammed it down on my desk, then buried my head in my hands and groaned. "Oh my gosh. I'm an IDIOT!" As I sat there reprimanding myself under my breath, the phone began to ring again.

My head shot up and I hesitated before glancing over at the phone. PRIVATE NAME/PRIVATE NUMBER showed on the caller ID again.

I heaved a sigh and muttered, "Oh my gosh. OK, stay calm. Stay calm." I took a couple of deep breaths and then proceeded to answer with a normal "Hello?"

"Hey!" My friend Amanda answered in a cheery tone.

"Oh my gosh!" I breathed into the phone.

"Oh my gosh" she responded. "What's going on? Are you OK over there?"

"I did it again!" I cried.

"Did what?" She asked.

"I meowed into the phone when my attorney called." I groaned.

Dead silence.

"Amanda?" I asked; my voice cracking.

Dead silence.

"AMANDA?!" I called out.

Suddenly she made a noise like the dam just broke and the fits of laughter came flooding out.

I heaved a frustrated sigh. "It's not FUNNY!"

"Sorry. I'm trying so hard not to laugh because I can tell you're upset, but..." She burst yet another giggling fit.

"I'm seriously an idiot and I should not be allowed to use the phone anymore", I moaned.

"So, what are you gonna' do?" She asked, still laughing.

"Nothing." I replied tonelessly.

"Just call him back and tell him you didn't realize it was him." She advised, as though it was no big deal.

"Are you CRAZY?!?! I am NOT admitting to meowing like a cat into the phone! Not to HIM, anyway!"

After she got a few good laughs out and I groaned in agony a few more times, we ended our conversation and I attempted to return to my normal activity.

A little later in the afternoon, I received another PRIVATE NAME/PRIVATE NUMBER call.

As soon as I saw it on the caller ID I smiled with slight satisfaction. "Oh, I'm not falling for that again", I said aloud, then proceeded to answer.

"Hello, is Kristin Coppee there?" It was the attorney.

"Yes. This is she." I responded.

"H-hello. I, uh....I've been trying to reach you. I don't know what happened." He sounded completely flustered and disturbed, as though perhaps he feared he was going senile. "I've called your number here several times and....well....I'm really not sure what's happening."

"Oh?" I asked, as though I were completely clueless.

"Yes, well....I....I tried to dial you and it....uh....it sounded like a....well, I think it was a cat of some sort on the other end. I - I'm not sure...." He continued, sounding very concerned.

I curled my hand into a fist and shoved it in my mouth, biting down to suppress the giggling fit that was fighting to escape. The tears started to stream down my face, as the pressure built.

"H - h - hello?" The attorney asked after several seconds of silence had passed.

I removed my fist from my mouth, pulled the receiver away from my head and ground my teeth hard, shaking my head and fighting to think of something serious - ANYTHING - to not laugh. I COULD NOT LAUGH! I couldn't have him discovering my horrible secret - not NOW!

"Hello?" He repeated in a louder, more agitated tone. "Ms. Coppee, are you there? "

"Yes." I said in a very controlled tone, barely regaining my composure. "Sorry. I think my phone cut out."

He cleared his throat. "Yes, well, anyway....I must have dialed the wrong number and thought I was calling you."

"Oh," I responded, suddenly feeling a rush of relief. "Yes, that must have been what happened. How strange. I'm so sorry."

He remained silent a few seconds. "Yes....well....I'll have to double check my dialing. It was....very...very strange to hear a cat on the other end. I....can't imagine what I must have dialed."

I contorted my face and began tapping my fingers very aggressively into my forehead, trying to clear my mind and think of something serious, as the dam again threatened to burst and release a rush of laughter.

"Anyway", he continued. "Did you receive the latest packet I sent you with the questionnaire?"

"Yes!" I nearly shouted into the phone. "Yes, I got it and...." the words came rushing out in an effort to end this phone call as quickly as possible. The dam wasn't going to hold up much longer. ",..we will get that filled out and mailed back right away. In fact, we'll send it tomorrow."

I held my breath and waited for his response, silently praying that this phone call would end NOW!

"Very good. I will await the packet." He said in a very formal tone.

"Great. Thanks." I spit out.

"Ok, then. Have a nice day, Ms. Coppee."

"Ok, thanks. Bye."

I hung up the phone and the dam burst. I laughed so hard, I cried. After several minutes, the laughter calmed down and I began to regain my composure, only to recall the entire conversation and burst into a giggling fit again, this time falling to the floor, I was laughing so hard. Several minutes later I dialed Amanda as I gasped for air, trying to catch my breath back.

Needless to say, she had yet another good laugh at my expense.

I did finally learn my lesson, though. I have NEVER answered with a meow when the called ID says PRIVATE NAME/PRIVATE NUMBER since that day.

A Little Surprise

It had been a long week. Bertrand had been working long hours at his pool job and had spent long evenings in the studio finishing up his drums. This left me alone with the kids ALL day and ALL night. In a word, we were exhausted!

Bertrand crashed into bed and reached for the remote.

"What are you gonna' watch, babe?" I asked and hopped onto the bed excitedly.

"Uhhhh....I don't know..." He heaved a tired sigh. "I was thinking of watching that new movie that came in the mail today through Netflix. I don't think you're gonna' like it."

I playfully frowned and slinked off the bed, grabbing the paper sleeve so I could read the info. "Ugh. You're right. I'm not interested." I decided to go slip into the tub and read a bit.

A while later I heard the noise from the TV die. I really wanted to spend some time with my husband, but I also wanted to finish the chapter I was on, so I decided to finish my reading and then join him.

By the time I emerged from the bathroom, I noticed the bedroom light was off. As I gently pushed the door open, I could hear him breathing methodically. I let out a disappointed sigh and readied myself for bed.

As I slipped in between the covers, I felt something touching me and I noticed my husband was facing me, though his eyes were still closed. "Oh, how sweet", I thought. "He's reaching his hand out to me." I turned on my side to face him and got comfortable, then slowly pushed my hand through the sheets in search of his. I smiled as I curled my fingers around his.

Then suddenly I froze; my eyes widening in horror. "Ok, THAT is not a hand," I thought. Holding my breath, I slowly lifted the blanket and squinted in the dark. The little bit of light from outside shone through the gap in the curtains. I reached my hand out and felt it again, then lifted it up.

It was the TV remote.

Heaving a relieved and comical sigh, I laid my head back against the pillow and leaned over to the nightstand to set it down. Then I turned back to my husband, hoping to try again.

Just as I turned back to him, he turned over in bed and his heavy, methodical breathing commenced.

"I'll let you off the hook tonight," I whispered. "But tomorrow night it's ME, not the TV!"

Kaboom!

For reason #6,547 why I should be stripped of my title of housewife, please refer to Exhibit A.

Exhibit A

See, it all started with me wanting to take a nice, hot bath so I could be inspired to finish up my songs for my upcoming album. As I ran my bathwater, I looked over and noticed the toilet was in need of a cleaning, so I decided to get that taken care of while my bath was filling.

The toilet was looking rather nasty, as I don't care for cleaning toilets and so rarely perform the task. I remembered I had some old stuff called Kaboom.

See, what you do is fill the cap with some of the powder, dump it in the toilet and then it foams up and then you wait a few minutes and scrub and it helps take the disgusting ring right off your toilet with minimal effort.

And so, being the incapable person that I am (incapable of reading instructions, that is), I tipped the container to the side and tried to lightly sprinkle some powder in.

The problem is that this stuff is old and therefore kind of clumped inside. This annoyed me and so I began hitting the container against my other open hand, trying to loosen up the powder.

Oh, I loosened it up all right. I loosened up HALF the container and it went KABOOM!

As the foam went wild and began rising at an incredible speed, I stood there frozen - mouth gaping open, trying to think fast.

I reached over to the flusher and pushed it down hard.

The foam began gurgling and rising faster. My eyes just about popped out of my head. It only exacerbated the problem, inducing a volcanic-like effect.

Oopsie.

Perhaps I should stick to writing music. Darn. I will miss cleaning toilets.

Album Photo Shoot

Our album is about to be released - hopefully July! Maybe August. I don't know. We're perfectionists, so it's getting stretched out longer than we had anticipated. Plus, our new lead guitarist had to go and write this amazingly beautiful song that I just HAVE to have on the album, so now that's holding things up. (I have to blame SOMEONE and it certainly won't be myself!)

Anyway, a friend of mine took our pics and she did an amazing job. These are some of my favorites. Now, to pick the album cover....(sigh) This is gonna' be tougher than I thought.







Of course, I had to get one of me cuddling up to my hot drummer/husband.

This One's For The Lazy People

A long time ago, back when I was desperate to lose weight, but not desperate enough to actually have to work at it, I purchased the Seven Shapely Secrets workout. The draw was that you could exercise without moving! Yeah! So, of course, being the lazy person that I am, I was all over that!

Tonight at dinner somehow this topic came up in the conversation and I was explaining to Bertrand that there was a face exercise that helped lift the face.

I then proceeded to demonstrate and, throwing all vanity (one of my many character flaws) aside, I allowed this picture with zero make-up, greasy hair and face, zits and all, to be taken. This is me demonstrating the facial muscle exercise, which I have never revealed to my own husband until now.

And I've known about this for like 3 1/2 years now.

And then he tried to mimic me and this was the result.

Hey honey, does your face hurt? 'Cause it's hurting me.

And finally, we bribed John by telling him that if he let us snap a photo of him doing the face exercise and post it, we would let him continue to grow his hair long. He agreed, we snapped the picture and then he asked, "Ok, so I get to keep growing my hair long, right?" to which I responded, "Yes, for one more day." HAHA! SUCKA!

So, if you're like me - looking for ways to get in shape without much effort, try this facial exercise for one minute three times a day. And also I dare you to post pictures of yourself doing it.

Formalities

We live in a 1500 sq. ft. 1970's red brick home with very little updating.

I drive a 1999 dull brown minivan.

I sleep on two mattresses on the floor.

Our front entry table is an old weather-beaten brown desk covered in a satiny green tablecloth with a $5 knock-off Tiffany lamp and a 7-year-old, $7 silk flower bouquet.

Dinner is served anywhere between 5:30 and 8:00 PM, depending on the day, and is usually some cheap, easy recipe or fast food.

And yet, my 4 1/2-year-old conducts her business as though we lived in a palace.

Just this afternoon as I fed a Beech-Nut 3rd stage fruit medley lunch to Zander in his old plastic high chair that's been through two other children and is missing all buckle straps and the detachable tray, Sylvie-Faye approached me with her hands clasped behind her back and cleared her throat to get my attention.

I glanced at her and said, "Hi, Sylvie. What's up?"

SYLVIE: (Sighing) Mother, I came to tell you something very important.

ME: Okaaay.

SYLVIE: I was in my room and I was cleaning it and Chloe did something and I was very mad and I said, "I'm going to go tell mommy on you right now" and so I walked out of my room and I came down the hall and I found you in the kitchen feeding Zander and I came to tell on Chloe to you.

Just then Zander sneezed and a glob of food fell out of his mouth and onto his leg. He began poking it with his finger and playing with it. I wrinkled my nose and looked back at Sylvie.

ME: Okaaay.

SYLVIE: So now I'm coming to tell you that Chloe is doing something that is making me VERY mad.

ME: Uh huh....

SYLVIE: She is NOT cleaning her room. Just me. And so I told her that I was going to come and tell on her to you and so I got up and I came down the hall....wait...I - first I got up from the floor and then I walked (she performs a walking motion) down the hall and I was looking for you and I heard you in the kitchen talking to Zander and I came in here and I saw you feeding Zander and now I'm telling you about Chloe.

My jaw fell open slightly and I just sat there, dumb-struck.

I think that girl was meant to be royalty or something.

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate.

True story.

This afternoon I jumped into my minivan for a quick run to the grocery store. I threw the gear into reverse, stepped on the gas and proceeded to screech out of the driveway when I suddenly caught sight of an older woman who exercises every night right after dinner by walking our street with hand weights. I stomped on the brake and the woman froze in her tracks, her eyes wide as saucers.

I gasped and apologized through my window, motioning for her to go ahead.

She motioned back for ME to go ahead.

I motioned again and mouthed, "No YOU go ahead."

Again, she motioned back and mouthed, "No YOU go ahead."

So I shrugged and said, "OK" and proceeded to back out. However, the woman apparently gave the same response and proceeded to continue walking.

Fortunately, I caught sight of her walking behind me and stomped on the brake pedal again.

This time, shaking my head, I rolled my window down and called out, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO SORRY! Please, go ahead! I'll wait!"

"No. No." She chuckled. "You go ahead. I'LL wait!"

"No, really. I feel terrible. You go ahead." I called back.

"It's ok, dear. You go on ahead." She insisted.

"No, really..." I began, but she motioned again with her arms for me to proceed.

And so I released my foot from the brake and proceeded to roll backwards again and caught sight of her AGAIN walking behind my minivan. I nearly hit her a THIRD TIME!!!

"Oh my gosh!" I called out, completely exasperated.

She froze again and stared back in horror. I just lost it right there. I dropped my head onto my steering wheel and laughed hysterically. Then I threw it into park and GOT OUT and stood next to my minivan and said, "Please. Go ahead. I have it in park now. I will NOT be running over you tonight!"

Luckily, she has a sense of humor so we could both laugh about this and she proceeded on her way. Then I released a sigh and got back into my minivan, rolled up the window, waited until she was well out of ear shot and shouted, "OH MY GOSH! SERIOUSLY! WHAT WAS THAT!"

The Truth Is...

My girls refused to take a nap. They swore up and down that they were NOT tired. So I finally agreed to take them on an errand with me.

Upon entering the grocery store parking lot, I immediately turned the minivan around and headed home without going in the store.

But it's NOT because the girls were tired.


They did NOT fall asleep.



Sylvie was just...lost in a deep thought or tanning her face or something.


Something like that.

Definitely not sleeping, though.

At least that's what she stated upon realizing we had suddenly returned home empty-handed.

FINALLY!!!

I am happy to announce that after EIGHT LONG YEARS my band, The Mending Seed is finally putting out an actual album called "Broken Souls". It won't be available until July/August 2010, so we have agreed to release four singles for your listening pleasure.

That in itself seems to be taking forever, but finally one new single "Before You Came Along" was released on CDBaby.com this morning, so if you care to listen and support our efforts, click on the link below and for 99 cents, you too can behold our hard work and hopefully appreciate it.

To describe our sound, it's like The Cranberries, Sarah McLachlan, Enya, Jewel, Alanis Morissette, and Natalie Merchant were all thrown into a blender, mixed at the highest speed for ten seconds and then some classic, progressive and alternative rock spice was sprinkled on top, with a little sprig of ethereal vocal layering as a garnish.

DRINK UP!

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/MendingSeed

New Information!

I know Superman has been around a long time and we all pretty much know everything there is to know about him. Well....maybe not everything....unless you're a total comic book geek. I'm not gonna' mention any names, but...you know who you are - Florida boy. ANYWAY...

So, last night I was supervising my 4-year-old brushing her teeth for bed when I heard singing. And these were the lyrics:

La La La La La La
I'm Superman the elf
La La La La
I'm Superman the elf

Of course this piqued my curiosity because the information in the lyrics was very confusing to me. I mean, I've seen the Superman movies. I was totally in LOVE with Christopher Reeve when I was like 7 and I know that was a long time ago, but I think I would remember whether or not he was an elf.

I do realize the man wore tights and elves also wear tights, but I do not recall pointy ears, pointy shoes, and also him being small enough to fit in my hand (although I won't deny that that does appeal to me on some levels). ANYWAY....

When I rounded the corner, this is the scene I beheld:

This blond, caped creature standing over my baby boy, ordering him to move because she needed room to take off in flight.

"What's going on in here?" I asked, my hands on my hips.

The creature whipped around and stated, "Wellw..I'm Supoman da elf and dat baby is in my way 'cause I need to fwy now."

"Superman is an elf?" I asked in surprise.

"Wellllw....." it began and then sheepishly smiled and hung it's head, rubbing it's foot against the carpet with a nervous giggle. "Yeeeaah."

So, there you go. You've just learned something new today. Superman can also take the form of an elf. But don't worry - it apparently specifies when it's in elf form by calling itself Superman the elf, so as not to cause any confusion.

Slight Misinterpretation

On Monday nights we try (try being the key word) to sit down with our children and read scripture and have a little religious lesson. It's what we call "Family Home Evening". Because most of our children are so young, the lessons are very short and usually involve pictures or objects to keep their attention.

Recently I found this great resource at our church bookstore - a small booklet with CD to print out lessons with pictures and activities. Of course, I snatched that right up (I'll take all the help I can get) and brought it home in a rush of excitement where I whipped it out of the bag, showed it my husband with a huge grin on my face and then put it on the shelf...where it sat for weeks.

One Monday night I thought, "We haven't had a Family Home Evening in a few weeks. I should try to put something together for tonight." So I paced about, opening a couple of closets, looking on shelves, trying to get an idea. Then it dawned on me, "Oh yeah! I bought a book to help me with this."

I found the book, chose a lesson that looked easy to put together at the last second, printed out the picture puzzle activity and let my anxious little helpers (my 3 and 4-year-old daughters) help me color them quick.

Then I told my husband I had something ready, we gathered the family together at our kitchen table and I proceeded to give a quick little lesson and then laid out the puzzle pieces. "OK kids. I have puzzles here with two pieces. One piece is over here on THIS side of the table", I said, pointing to my left. "And these are the matching pieces over HERE." I pointed to my right.

We proceeded to go around the table and let each person pick an action piece and then try to find the consequence piece that matched. My girls struggled a little bit with matching up the pieces since they can't read and, as we soon discovered, they struggled to interpret the meaning behind the pictures.

Here's how it went:



ME: OK, Chloe. Yours says "Obey the Word of Wisdom."

With some help I pushed the matching piece over and asked, "What happens when we don't smoke and drink and we don't do drugs and we eat good food and take care of our bodies?"

CHLOE: Ummmm......uhhhhhhh.....well, we could put our fingos (fingers) in our eaws (ears) (she grinned a toothy grin of satisfaction).

Immediately the table erupted into laughter and her look became confused.

CHLOE: Well, dat boy is putting his fingos in his eaws, mommy.

ME: I know it looks like that, honey. But look at those big muscles. He's flexing his muscles. See? He's strong and healthy.

CHLOE: Yeah. Stong and Helfy. (She giggled in delight).



ME: OK. Sylvie's turn. What happens when we say our prayers?

SYLVIE: Ummm....it's gonna rain out of a cloud.

Bertrand and I chuckled. John rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath.

ME: Well, honey, if we pray for rain maybe Heavenly Father will make it rain. But...

SYLVIE: (Interrupting) Mommy, why did you make the rain look like a fire? Why did you do that, mommy?

ME: Well, that's the sun poking through the clouds.

SYLVIE: Well, that's supposed to be rain, mommy. You did it wrong.

ME: OK. I'm sorry. But you know what it says? It says Heavenly Father will help us. If we say our prayers He listens to us and He can help us.

SYLVIE: (Bored) OK, mommy. That's enough. That's enough talking now. I want it to be somebody else's turn.

ME: (Heaving a sigh) OK. John. It's your turn.

Finally we got to Chloe's turn again.

ME: Chloe, what happens when we're happy at home? If we smile and give each other hugs and treat each other nice - what do you think happens?

CHLOE: Well....pokey fings (things) come out of a boy's head.

The table erupts into laughter again.

JOHN: Well, it's true. These pictures are gay, mom. How are they supposed to know what's happening?

ME: John, don't say that, please. That's not nice. Let's just help them try to understand, OK?

John rolls his eyes and mutters under his breath again.

SYLVIE: But mom, what ARE those things? Those things coming out of that boy's head - what are those? Is he shooting bullets from his head?

ME: (Giggling) No. Oh my gosh. OK. This isn't working.

I look at Bertrand helplessly. He shrugs in response. I return a slight glare. Bertrand leans forward and proceeds to explain the picture.

Then it was Sylvie's turn again.


ME: Oh, this is a good one too. When we're reverent in church, do you know what happens? Look at those kids.

SYLVIE: (Scratching her head and contorting her face) Mom, why are they touching their boobies?

Chloe and Sylvie burst into a giggling fit.

I immediately dropped my head into my hands and tugged at my hair as I tried to stifle my laughter.

JOHN: (Extremely annoyed) Oh my GOSH!

He heaves a huge sigh and lays his head on the table.

I finally looked at Bertrand and said, "Honey, I give up. Can you step in here and help me out?"

He held his hands up and said, "What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know", I half laughed, half whined.

Luckily, Bertrand took over and saved the day and Family Home Evening ended within a few minutes and we were onto root beer floats.

(SIGH) I'm gonna' have to look at these lessons a little more closely before I give one next time.

It's What's Meant To Be

They say everything happens for a reason. It's what I've had to tell myself for a while now through everything I've been through. It's part of what gets me through (besides making light of everything and having a good laugh in lieu of driving off the nearest cliff).

And so, I have a very powerful story of faith and prayer to share with you.

Some amazing changes have just come about within the last hour and they are UN-believable!

As many of you know, I have a passion for music and together with my husband and my good friend, Brian, who are both amazing talents, I have been writing and recording music and trying to get an album released for a long time now.

But there have been many obstacles:
1. Four children (three ages 4 and under).
2. Full time job transcribing medical reports.
3. Lack of inspiration, probably most likely due to fatigue.
4. Lack of funds due to financial strain.

Since the day I turned 19 and married for the first time, I have been required to work full time. My income has been needed. And I have worked long and hard improving upon my skills, studying in my spare time to keep abreast of the latest information needed to do my job properly and make myself into the ultimate transcribing robot - an irreplaceable one.

In the eleven years that I have worked in this field, I have never been without work. I may have switched up which company I worked for or whether or not I even worked for a company, but I have NEVER had a lapse in work EVER.

A lot of difficult things have happened for myself and my little family. In spite of our many efforts to budget our money, pay our tithing (I'm Mormon - we pay 10% back to the church. I know those of you who are not of my faith may find this ludicrous, especially in my situation, but my husband and I view it as a privilege and gladly pay it, relying on our faith in God to provide for us, which He always has), etc., we are constantly late on bills, wondering where our next meal is going to come from, and lie awake many nights trying to figure out how to better our situation.

We have taken on more work, sought out work, worked longer hours, and constantly arranged and re-arranged - just trying ANYTHING to better our lives, but to no avail.

Always, this urge to work on music and produce an album has been in the back of my mind and whatever little time and energy I've had, I've written, but the process has been long and tedious and still, after all these years (since 2004), I've never really put out a solid album for sale or taken it to that next level that I would need to in order to make this my career. Part of me has always been afraid. I've never had the faith, I guess, to take that leap and make it happen. It's always been further down my list of priorities because I always had work and children calling.

My recent effort to better our situation included putting my children into full time daycare. I felt this would enable me to "crank" out the work and make at least double what I've been making, which would in turn help us climb up out of our hole. In the last couple of weeks, despite my efforts, I've always been exhausted, distracted, and just couldn't quite produce the amount of work I wanted to. I felt a depression over my family issues and our financial issues, and my baby boy hasn't been sleeping much, and basically my whole world has been falling apart.

My husband is always telling me to work on the music. "That is what we need to be focusing on. " I've always snapped back at him that that is ridiculous and we need money and the music will have to wait.

During this last week, I noticed my infant son acting strangely. He seemed to focus on something in a room and would smile and babble in his baby talk. He even lifted his hand and waved several times. I would turn and try to look and he would squirm around, trying to keep his gaze on whatever it was.

One morning, around 2:00 AM, he awoke and, completely exhausted, I stumbled out of bed, picked him up and staggered down the hall. I prepared him a bottle and fed him, but he kept pulling away, staring at a spot in the room and smiling and babbling. I would roll my eyes and sigh and say, "Come on, Mr. Z. Drink your bottle, baby." When he finished, he fought to sit up on my lap, so I held him up and he raised his hand and waved and said, "Hi." He's ONLY 8 1/2 months. My eyes practically bugged out of my head and I said, "Did you just say hi?" He smiled at me and then turned back to the spot in the room, waved his hand again and said, "Gampa." My mouth DROPPED open.

Bertrand's father passed away many years ago from cancer. I never had the opportunity to meet him, but often Bertrand has expressed that he can feel his presence and that he feels his father, a once famous musician in France, is guiding him as he plays the drums. And now, here he seemed to be - in the room with us - and my baby was excitedly waving and trying to speak to him. I felt goosebumps all over my body. I didn't feel fear, just calm and wonderment.

And t hen this last weekend I finally fell into it - a huge depression. I mean HUGE! I've been so down, I didn't want to be around anyone, didn't want to see anyone, didn't want to do anything, didn't want to eat or sleep, just plain didn't care. I would sit in front of my computer and just stare blankly.

Finally, my husband offered to give me a priesthood blessing - a blessing of comfort and peace. ANYTHING to help me out of my emotional abyss. I was so numb and empty, I thanked him, but declined stating that I didn't think anything could help me and I just wanted to be left alone. I told him, "I can figure this out. I always do. I just need to be left alone and I will do my crying and feeling sorry for myself and then I will get up and take action and fix this." And so, knowing full well my stubborn nature, he helplessly walked away and let me be.

On Sunday I didn't attend church. I was so exhausted I could barely move. I knew it was emotional exhaustion causing an overwhelming physical exhaustion. I just laid there and let my husband take care of the children and ready himself for church as he had a lesson to give. I felt terrible inside. I watched my dear, sweet husband just patiently deal with all of this and I knew it wasn't fair what I was doing to him...and to my children.

Finally, Sunday afternoon, I approached my husband and said, "Can you give me a blessing now?"

He said nothing.

I said, "Honey? Did you hear me?"

He said, "Yeah. Are you sure?"

I sighed deeply and said, "Yeah. I need help. I've finally realized I can't do this alone and I need a blessing to get me through this."

And so he followed me into our bedroom where he laid his hands on my head and after a few moments began to give me a blessing of comfort and peace through his priesthood power. I sat there very numb. I tried to feel something, but I couldn't. In fact, I started feeling a slight annoyance over his blessing. A lot of the things he said I felt were just him giving me a lecture - telling me to stay close to the Lord, read my scriptures, appreciate and draw closer to my children, remember the talents I was blessed with and focus my attention on those. One thing he said a couple of times was, "You know what you have to do."

As soon as he was done, I sat there a few moments silently. He stepped back and looked at me and asked, "Do you feel better?" I sighed and glanced over at him and replied, tonelessly, "Yeah. Thanks, honey." Then I proceeded to walk away.

"What part of the blessing made you feel better?" He asked.

I stopped dead in my tracks and slowly turned around and shrugged and said, "I don't know. I guess all of it. I know - I need to read my scriptures and pray and....yeah."

Later that evening, the tension between us grew and I finally spilled it to him later in our room.
"I'm sorry, hon, but it just felt like you were giving me a lecture or something. I worry that those words were your own and not coming from the Lord."

I saw the expression on his face instantly turn to anger, but he tried to suppress it. "Fine", he calmly replied. "Let me call another man from the ward and have HIM come give you a blessing. Who do you trust to give you a better blessing? Tell me and I'll call him."

I released a huge sigh and looked down and said, "No, hon. I don't want that. I'm sorry. I just....I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel so numb right now. And lost. Thank you for the blessing. I'm so sorry I said those things. That was terrible. Thank you for bringing the priesthood into our home and blessing our lives with it. And thank you for being so willing to give me and our children a blessing whenever we need it." I hugged him, but I could feel the tension and hurt in him, so I let him be.

Monday evening I reluctantly agreed to jam with Bertrand. I had written a new song and he was trying to solidify his drumming on it. We ran through the song a few times and I perked up a bit. He was solid. It sounded so good. It renewed my hope that we could do this and it would be good.

I expressed my excitement to him and said, "Let's make a point to jam every night and then try to get into the studio next week if we get some more money in and get this song laid down properly." He agreed and we went about our evening, getting kids into bed, etc. Later that night I felt inspired to work on music and so I worked until midnight. By that point I was literally nodding off as I composed. I think the fact that I was working on "Forbidden Love Lullaby", key word being "lullaby" didn't help my situation.

And then TODAY happened. And the turn of events was CRAZY! ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!!!!

It all started with me dropping my kids off at daycare, returning home and just staring at my keyboard. I couldn't bring myself to work. I didn't want to. I felt so much inspiration and I just wanted to work on music. I decided to put off my work for a little while longer and just sit down at my keyboard for a moment. After working on music for about an hour I stared out the window and thought, "I wish I'd just lose my job so I could work on music all day."

Then, realizing that my kids were in daycare, I was paying for their time to be there and I needed to make money to be able to pay for that and our bills, I arose from my keyboard, sat at my computer, downloaded some files and slowly began to type, heaving several sighs as I went along, occasionally glancing at my keyboard.

My good friend, Jenn, called me and we visited for a few minutes and then I heard another call coming through. I pulled the phone back, saw that it was my manager from the transcription company I worked for, and told Jenn I had to go.

I clicked over and the conversation went like this:

PSI: Hi Kristin. How are you?
ME: Fine, thanks.
PSI: You sure?
ME: Yeees. (chuckling)
PSI: I have really bad news. (heaving a big sigh)
ME: Ok.
PSI: We've just lost half of our accounts and there's no way we can keep everyone busy enough, so we have to lay off 50 transcriptionists. This decision has been very difficult and it has nothing to do with your quality of work or anything. It's just that you haven't been with us as long as some of the others and so....we have to let you go.
ME: (Very matter-of-fact). Ok. That's Ok.

I felt so much peace, it was insane! It was SO unlike me! I typically remain calm, but inside it's like the lions have escaped at the zoo and they're ravenously hungry and the overcrowded zoo is running for the gate all at the same time and people are getting trampled and....you get the idea.

But this time was different. I felt totally calm. It was almost like I had expected this phone call and it was all very matter-of-fact and no big deal.

My manager proceeded to tell me that she couldn't even give me any notice - that I needed to stop working right then and there and call the computer guy for the company to help talk me through erasing everything from my system. I agreed and thanked her and said, "It's Ok. I'll call him right now. Thanks."

She gave me the name and number of the company that had taken over the accounts and informed me that they were short-staffed and hiring. She urged me to call them and see if I could get on. Then she promised that if they received any new accounts, I'd be one of the first hired back. I thanked her and hung up.

I called the company in Utah and spoke to the manager. She warned me that many transcriptionists from PSI had already called and that when they heard about the terms with this new company, they ran away screaming. I chuckled and said, "It's OK. I've worked in many different types of situations, so I'm sure it won't be foreign to me." She agreed to send me the information and told me to call her if I was still interested.

During that conversation, Bertrand stopped in briefly. As I spoke on the phone, I scribbled out the words, "I just got laid off" on a piece of paper. His eyes bugged out of his head and he gasped, "Are you SERIOUS? Oh my gosh. You're joking, right?" I smiled and shook my head "no." Then I held up a finger to signal I needed just a minute and mouthed the words, "It's OK."

After getting off the phone with the manager and assuring my husband that all would be well and that I felt peace over this. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as it hit me - I need to pray. I need the Lord to guide me. This is all happening for a reason and I know He'll direct me and watch over us like He always has. I explained this to my husband with tear-filled eyes and he asked, "Then why are you crying - if you feel so much peace?" I responded, "Because. I know that everything will be Ok. I feel so much peace right now and I actually I'm excited to discover what's in store for me now."

I then prodded him along to go back to work and told him I needed to be alone to pray and think about this and figure out what to do next. He left and I immediately proceeded to check out the latest transcription job postings on line.

They were grim. Bad hours. Bad pay. Bad conditions over all. I realized quickly that I had been spoiled by PSI and that I wasn't about to find anything like it with any other company. The only jobs available right now require me to work weekends, Saturday AND Sunday - ALL DAY or work midnight to 5:00 AM.

I decided to stick with my original plan and retreat to my room to kneel and pray and ask for the Lord's guidance. As I knelt, I pondered for a few minutes what was happening and the words of the blessing I had received entered my mind again. I thought for a moment about what I wanted to ask the Lord and then I began my prayer.

I started out asking, "Please help me to be able to know if transcription is the right avenue for me to continue in. I feel like I should try to apply for jobs and find another job quickly in that field to help us through while I continue to work on my album and...."

My mind went blank. Absolutely blank. I had ZERO thoughts. It was like a room with four white walls and there was nothing in it. NOTHING! I knelt there completely dumb-founded. I finally opened my eyes and looked heavenward and thought, "This is weird." Then I remembered what I had learned - if you have a stupor of thought, that's the answer that something isn't right. I thought for a minute and then decided to change what I was asking for. I closed my eyes and began again - "Please help me to know if this is right to concentrate on the music now. I have my children in daycare the rest of this week and it's already paid for, so if it's right for me to take this time to finish my album, please help me to know that this is right. I feel like I should take advantage of this time and..."

And that's when the ideas came flooding to my head like a dam breaking and the waters overtaking.

Finish the album.
Don't look for another job.
Take full advantage of this week your kids are in daycare.
Call Brian right now.
Tell him you need to get into the studio and finish the album this week.
Tell him you don't have money to pay him right now. He'll be OK to wait for the money.
Tell him you need as much time as he has to give you.
Work on music every night with Bertrand.
He's ready with the drums. There's no need to wait.
He can do this.
You can do this.
You're ready.
Now is the time.
Put whatever music you get done this week on I-tunes.
The money will come in from that and get you by until the album is completely finished and ready to put out.

I just knelt there, my mouth gaping open, the thoughts flowing through my mind like a waterfall. And then they stopped. And I suddenly felt a warmth and peace. I slowly stood up and stared out the window for a second.

Then I grabbed the phone and called Brian. I got his voicemail, so I left a message for him to call me back as SOON as he got a chance.

Then I called and explained to Bertrand what had just happened. I could hear him sniffling on the other end.

"Are you OK, honey?" I asked.

"Yep. I know this is the right thing too." He replied. "Those words in the blessing I gave you were NOT MINE! I promise you that. I've been waiting for you to figure that out."

I began to sniffle with him over the phone.

Just then the other line rang. It was Brian. I told Bertrand I had to go and clicked over.

"Kristin's transcription", Brian said with a laugh. He always greets me this way.

"Not anymore", I stated proudly.

"WHAT? What's going on?" He nearly shouted into the phone.

"I've been laid off."

"Are you kidding me? What's happening?"

"Brian. I don't mean to get all religious fanatic on you, but..."

"Oh no", he grumbled and then chuckled. "OK. Let's have it."

I then proceeded to tell Brian the nutshell version of this extremely long story. And, just as my answer from the Lord had come to me, he was completely on board AND, amazingly, the rest of his week was completely open.

"Bring Bertrand's drums in Wednesday night. We'll get everything set up, tuned and ready to go. Thursday he can come in and lay down the drums. Then we'll spend the rest of the week getting all of your stuff down."

I was overjoyed. Then came the important part - "Brian", I started in. "I can't pay you right now."

"That's Ok." He responded. "I can wait."

"Brian. As soon as my tax return arrives, I will pay you for all of the hours you've spent with me in the studio."

"Sounds good to me. I'm fine." He replied again.

This is Brian's livelihood. It's how he makes his money. Things haven't exactly been easy for him either and yet here he was agreeing to just let me come spend hours and hours, day after day in his studio without paying right now.

And so, this is the plan. I will continue to pray and seek guidance and I will stay on the course and keep the faith. I have NO idea what happens after that, but I have to focus on the task at hand - get as many songs completed and mixed this week and get them on I-tunes and my strong impression is that all of these people from all over the world who have been begging for us to put our music out there for them to buy will come through and buy it.

This has just been an amazing experience and I know that there will still be obstacles. My faith will still be tested, possibly even very severely. But I know that through all of this, the Lord will guide me if I just stay close to Him. If I just do exactly what I feel impressed to do - no matter how grim things may look. I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing and I know somehow we will make it through.

I Don't Know What To Say

I always knew this day would come.

I always knew someday I would hear these words.

I just didn't know it would be this soon.

But last night I just received word that I'm going to be a grandmother.

My first reaction was "I'm too YOUNG! I'm only 34! This isn't supposed to be happening to me right now!"

But then I realized it's not about me.

Even more surprising is that it's not just ONE, but TWO babies!

And apparently this news has been kept a secret for quite some time because we already know what the babies are.

But I haven't even told you the most disturbing part about all this.

BOTH of my daughters are pregnant! At the same time!

Oh, no - it gets even better:


Sylvie is carrying a CAT! Yes, you're reading that right! There's a cat in there!


Chloe is carrying a MONKEY!

I don't even wanna' know. All I have to say is - "Bertrand! I TOLD you it was a bad idea to let them take their stuffed animals to bed with them every night!"

Toward the end of this photo shoot, Sylvie informed me that she was having "conTRAPtions" and then both of my daughters grabbed their bellies, hunched over, moaned and waddled to the family room couches, laid on their backs and wailed and squirmed about and then proceeded to deliver their own babies within seconds of each other.

Let me tell ya' - never before in the history of this earth has a more disturbing sight been beheld.

But there you have it. I am now a grandmother to a baby cat and baby monkey. This is NOT going to look good on the family tree, but you know, worse things have happened to families like....I don't know.....ummm.....like.....oh, come on! Help me out here! Name some worse things that have happened besides 3 and 4-year-old girls birthing animals!

OK, I don't know why, but I'm drawing a blank here. I'll think of some things, though. I mean, this can't be the worst thing that has ever happened! I refuse to believe it! I will find something more disturbing and post it ASAP!

The Mall Game

I hate those kiosks at the mall. I hate them because the sales people are aggressive....and rude. One time I walked past a T-Mobile stand and the sales guy winked at me and said, "Hey, how are you today, ma'am?" I immediately raised my hand to signal STOP and said, "I already have T-Mobile service, thank you." And then scurried on my way. Of course, this ticked the guy off so he came back at me with,"Wow. I wasn't trying to sell you anything. I was just saying hi. Excuuuuse ME!" And then I retaliated by tossing a "Whatever, jerk" look over my shoulder as I continued on.

This just plain makes me hate the mall - period! Trying to get to the store I want is like trying to sneak across the Mexican/U.S. border without getting shot. Good luck with THAT!

You have to have a strategy. This is where having young children comes in handy. If the enemy attempts to engage me, I simply point at my secret little weapons and shrug like, "Sorry. I would TOTALLY stand there and let you waste my time, but these little people won't let me. DANG them."

Of course, once I reach my destination, I'm not so grateful for my little "helpers"

But seriously! WHY do they have to be all Chester? If I wanted to buy something from them, I'd stop there - a concept their kind have apparently never heard of.

ANYWAY...there's one particular kiosk, which is really tricky to get past and that's the Seacret one. You know which one I'm talking about? There are typically foreign women running it. Tiny little things with black hair and heavy accents. There's no way around it. Believe me, I've tried getting at my favorite store from every angle, but when the dang kiosk is located RIGHT OUT FRONT of it, there's no hope. They call it Seacret because all of their products contain mud from the Dead Sea and it's like a secret formula...from the sea...like a secret potion from the sea. Get it? SEAcret?

Thankfully, their associates are always women so the whole shrug and exaggerated pointing-out-my-young-snot-nosed-children maneuver always works. Women get that. Whether or not they have children of their own, they see those kids and they throw their hands up in surrender and back away. It's a beautiful thing, and one of those rare situations where I welcome rejection.

But, recently I discovered they've got a new "Seacret" weapon of their own:

A MANBOT!

DUN! DUN! DUNNN!

I call it a manbot because there is NO WAY this thing is human. They pulled out ALL the stops when they created this thing. I mean it's got the foreign accent, attractive features, SOFT HANDS! And it's programmed to not take "NO" for an answer.

So, the other day I took my girls to the mall on a little "date". And here I thought I was being smart with the air-conditioned building, the cute little doggies to look at, a play area AND it's free. It's almost PARADISE!

And I'm walking along, walking along, minding my own business, pretending to discipline my girls so the kiosk people won't target me, and BAM! Out of nowhere - something soft and supple grabs my hand. I'm thinking, "Dang! These little ladies at the kiosk are getting aggressive!" But as I glance over at the hand encompassing mine, I notice it's larger than normal and the arm - a little hairier. My eyes slowly navigate their way up the biceps, over the shoulder and stop dead in their tracks on the hairy chin. "What's this?" I ask myself.

"Hello there. Oooh, you've got nice skin. Yes. Very nice" it coos as it caresses my arm in long, gentle strokes.

I let out a nervous chuckle and respond with "I've got little ones with me. Sorry. I have to..."

"Hello beautiful little ladies." It reaches out and strokes an arm of each of my girls. "So lovely. How old?"

"3 and 4", I respond very curtly and slightly agitated. "OK. We have to go now. Thanks anyway."

The manbot steps RIGHT in front of me. "Tell me. What products are you using on your face?" And then it strokes my face with the back of it's silky soft hand.

I draw in a breath to answer and then hesitate. It continues stroking my face and my mind just goes blank.

"It no matter. Come. Let me show you something Vunderful. Please." And it pulls me back in - closer to the kiosk.

"I..." I try to fight back, but the manbot's mind control powers quickly take over as it focuses its attention on my forearm, stroking again in long, gentle strokes.

"Now just relax and let me show you something you will not believe."

And I'm thinking, "I'm already seeing something I don't believe - I'm still here - at your stupid kiosk!"

It begins rubbing a concoction onto my arm. It's cool and soothing and my mind immediately starts drifting to a white, sandy beach, the waves rhythmically drifting in, water lapping at my toes, seagulls gliding along on air currents...

"Yes. Very nice." The bot continues in its specially programmed, soft-spoken voice. It goes through the motions of applying product, rubbing it in, then gently running cool water over my arm as I fade in and out of consciousness.

And then it's over. Just like that. The manbot releases its grip and slides over to the product, hand-picking a certain jar. I slowly begin to regain my senses.

"Now" it begins, its voice becoming more stern. "This product is a very special. You know that, right?" It caresses my arm for reinforcement.

I politely smile. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the manbot, I'm plotting my escape.

The bot is going on about the product and why it's amazing and why I need it and all of the ingredients that are in it, but I have no idea what it's saying, as I'm positioning my feet for a mad dash.

THEN, as if the manbot can read my mind, it grabs my arm in a slightly tighter grip and pulls me in so close, our noses are practically touching. "I'm going to make you a deal because I know - these products are a very espensive. But you will be so happy. And I want you to be happy."

"You do?" I reply sarcastically, a smirk on my face.

"This I give you half price." The bot turns the jar around, exposing an $89 dollar price tag.

"WHA....?" I practically shout.

"No no no no. No no. Come. Wait. Please." It begins to beg.

"Sorry" I respond, holding up my hand. "That's too much. I'm sure it's great, but I don't have money for that kind of thing right now. Thanks anyway." I quickly reach out to grab my girls' hands.

The manbot proceeds to step in front of me YET AGAIN! "Look into my eyes."

Reflexively, I glance up at his face and our eyes lock.

"I really want you to have this product." It begins its pre-programmed dialogue again. "It will make you so happy. I want you to be happy."

"I know." I reply sincerely. "And I appreciate that. I really do."

"Tell you what. Let's talk about different product. Come. I show you."

"Look I have no money." I begin to back away, holding up BOTH hands this time.

But the expression on the manbot doesn't change. It simply internally switches to a different program. "How are your nails? We have nail boards. Not espensive."

"I really have no money." I repeat, a desperate tone in my voice.

"You have no money." The manbot repeats.

"None. None at all. Zero." I hold up my fingers in the shape of a zero so it can get a visual. "I literally have no money in my bank account right now. I couldn't buy these products if I wanted to."

And then, as if I had flipped the off switch, his head drops, his shoulders droop, and it slowly slides back into its corner. Completely shut down. Completely!

I just stand there, gawking in disbelief. I shut him down.

I had unlocked the secret code to winning the mall game. "I have no money." That's it!

"That's IT?" I'm thinking. "That's all I have to say? WOW!"

I'm so excited I just want to shout it at the top of my lungs. "I HAVE NO MONEY!"

I want to run up and down the corridors and announce my victory. "I HAVE NO MONEY! Did you hear that? I! HAVE! NO! MONEY! HAHA! I am AWESOME!"

"I have no money". It's that simple, folks. And now you know the secret to winning the mall game.

The Accident

Before you read this, I just want to warn you that it's pretty graphic. I posted one picture - the only one I got. I tried to take a full shot of Bertrand, but he's so upset he won't let me. However, if you have a weak stomach, I'm warning you - this is really bad.

I received a phone call this afternoon from Bertrand and all I could hear was panting into the phone. I rolled my eyes and just sat there waiting for him to knock it off. You see, today is April Fool's day and he had already stopped by home at one point and told me his truck was breaking down and he was negative in his bank account - just to scare me and get a reaction for April Fool's. I didn't react and he was very disappointed, but he went on his way and I figured that would be the end of it.

So here he was now panting into the phone and I'm like, "Oh give it UP!" Finally, in an annoyed voice, I said, "Babe, I'm busy right now. What?"

He continued panting. Then he spoke in a weak mumble, "I had an accident."

I cackled into the phone. "WHATEVER! You'll NEVER get me!"

He continued panting and then crying. At this point I paused and thought, "Either he's really hurt or he's insisting on taking this as far as he can until I fall for it."

"Seriously, hon. I'm busy with work. What's going on?" I sighed.

"I hurt myself bad. Really bad. I need you to come right now." He began crying into the phone.

I perked up in my seat. "What happened? What kind of accident?"

"Just get over here right now. I don't know what to do." He moaned.

He told me which pool he was at and I jumped in my minivan full of fussy little kids and drove to the site, my heart pounding thinking "Okay, something IS wrong. There's no way he'd take a prank this far."

When I arrived at the scene, I grabbed Zander, rolled down windows and told the girls to stay in the minivan. They started fussing and I said, "Hey! You just wait here a second. I'm going right over there where you can still see me. Just let me see what's wrong with Papa." With that, I made a mad dash over to him. He was on his knees, doubled over, holding his arm and crying. I saw something lying on the deck next to him, but without my glasses, I couldn't really tell what it was. As I got closer, it looked like...his arm. His forearm and hand. There was a lot of red stuff around him. It looked like blood. My stomach turned. I gasped and smacked my hand over my mouth.

"What the....?" I gulped hard. When I got close enough I realized it WAS HIS ARM! His arm just about halfway up the forearm was completely OFF! Just lying there on the deck! I screamed and dropped to my knees. Zander jumped and immediately started crying hysterically. I set him down next to me and, clasped both hands over my mouth and just screamed and screamed. Bertrand looked up at me, tears just running down his face. I started bawling.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!?!" I screamed. "WHAT HAPPENED?!?!"

I ran back to the van with Zander and grabbed my cell phone and called 911.

Anyway, long story short - the paramedics came and took Bertrand and his arm to the hospital. They had a cooler with ice ready and packed it in there, but we really had no idea at this point if they'd even be able to save it.

Apparently Bertrand was fixing a pool heater and he lifted a really sharp, heavy part out by himself, which is a job that NO MAN should be doing by himself! He should have had someone there with him, but he was too impatient and just wanted to get the job done, so he tried to do it himself, lost his grip on the heavy part and it just fell and took his arm clean off. Just took the whole thing right in the middle of his forearm!

At the hospital I took a picture with the camera Bertrand had in his truck.


So, I went to the hospital with all of the kids and sat and waited a while. The kids started fussing, so I took them home. I got them all taken care of and just collapsed on the couch in shock. And just sat and waited for the call from the hospital.

They were NOT able to save his arm. There's nothing they can do. The best they offered up was to clean the wound, bandage it up, keep him on antibiotics in the hospital and later on down the road we can try to get him a prosthetic arm.

To answer any questions that might come up:

1. He will definitely be out of work for a long time, possibly indefinitely. We have actually already worked out a plan. I tried to get him to quit his job a while back. I can totally support us with my work, so we're just letting his truck go and I'll just work around the clock - Hey, at least we'll have medical benefits for all of us now.

2. He will NEVER give up drumming. There have been one-armed drummers before him. He'll have to figure out a whole new way of drumming. This does put a damper on our album, but we'll find another drummer in the meantime until Bertrand is healed up and has had time to learn a new way to play.

Anyway, we really appreciate the phone calls and support and the help everyone has offered. Many have offered to go visit him in the hospital, but he's really out of it right now. I'll be going back over there tonight to sit with him, but this is really shocking and upsetting and we kind of just want to be alone right now. Sorry if you've called and the phone just rang and rang. We don't have an answering machine. You can reach me on my cell phone. Don't call his. His is turned off right now.

We'll get through this. Bertrand is the KING of freak accidents and health problems, so this is just really no surprise. Crazy that it happened on April Fool's Day and I just feel so bad that I didn't believe him at first.

All I have to say right now is....

APRIL FOOL'S SUCKAS!

If you are a face booker, please do NOT say anything about this being a joke on my FB page. I want to fool as many people as possible! MUHAHA! Please help me in my evil plight. Admit it - you liked it! Who doesn't love a good fake out?

My Husband Complained

Oh yes, he did. Oh YES! He DID! It was in the middle of a big fight and he said something along the lines of "You never make yourself look nice for me anymore." He's not talking about weekends when he actually takes me out on a date. Or weekdays when there's something going on I need to be dressed for.

He's talking about every single night when he comes home, I need to look and smell good.

And, call me crazy, but I don't understand what the problem is!

What's the matter, honey?

You don't like this look?

You don't appreciate the smell of sour milk? It's just like cottage cheese, honey. I thought you LIKED cottage cheese!

PAJAMAS?!?! In the MIDDLE OF THE DAY?!?! You no LIKEE?!


Michael Jackson did it ALL THE TIME!!!!

I KNOW he's dead, you...

FINE!

HERE! HAPPY NOW?!?!


Oh, don't EVEN start with my hair!



If you knew ANYTHING about high fashion, you'd appreciate the "My infant son pulls on, sucks on, bites, rubs his booger nose and baby food face into" hairdo I've been sporting lately!

You don't APPRECIATE the way I LOOK when you come home every night?! Well, THEY did this to me! YOUR children! They've ruined me! RUINED ME!!!!!

(Regaining composure)

(Somewhat)

(Through gritted teeth) Well, I'm sorry, but I'm stuck at home with three fussy, demanding, messy, snot-nosed kids who fight and whine and destroy and tattle-tale to me ALL DAY LONG! And I deal with that WHILE I try to do my medical transcription job full time AND I'm trying to keep the house somewhat clean AND I cook dinner almost every night!

Oh, and let's not forget the part where I'm trying to finish editing your book and write the rest of the music for our upcoming album release.

So YOU, my dearest husband, are going to learn to like this look for the next DECADE!

NOW!


Does anyone else have any complaints?