Sense of Humor Required!

I'm 35 weeks and 2 days along today. I have been dealing with extreme sciatic and ligament pain, as well as false, but very painful and debilitating contractions for about two months now. I swear with every baby the pregnancy becomes more and more difficult and the contractions and major end-of-pregnancy discomfort starts in earlier each time. (That's why this is my last).

Friday afternoon I was having a particularly difficult time. It was really painful to walk, the contractions were constant and I was desperate to find some sort of remedy because I just had a feeling this was not real labor. I struck a deal with my husband - I'll take the girls on a drive to the bank (40 minutes round trip) so you can unwind and play drums, and then I'll bring them back, you serve them dinner and bathe them while I go to my parents' house and relax in their pool to get some pressure off, and then you put the girls to bed, I'll pick up a nice dinner for us and we can eat in peace and relax and enjoy the evening. Deal? Deal.

Upon arrival at my parents' house, I dipped in the pool, floated around a bit, heaved big sighs of relief, started feeling REALLY good and decided "I need to exercise. I am just so huge and I haven't come here and exercised in a while." Feeling invincible, I proceeded to do some light water aerobics in the pool. I was feeling good. It felt good to be able to move around any way I wanted with no pain. I started working up to a rigorous pace and before I knew it, an hour had passed and I had performed a pretty good workout routine. Satisfied, I glided over to the pool steps, closed my eyes, and breathed in the peaceful night air. The darkness began to close in around me and there weren't any lights on outside (and I was completely alone), so I decided to get out and head home with that nice dinner I had promised my husband.

I stood up in the pool and began to make my ascent. The first step up was fine, the second one felt a bit heavy and my stomach started to cramp, I took the final step up out and fell to my knees in pain. Extreme pain! The cramping and contractions were heavy and I could barely breathe. "Oh no", I thought. "What have I done?" I proceeded to crawl along the pool deck, each movement agonizing, but there was nobody around and I had to get to a chair at least. I finally made it after several excruciating minutes and pulled myself up into a deck chair. Eventually I felt good enough to get up and try to walk. I stood up and the cramping and contractions were there, but had definitely eased enough to the point where I could at least hobble.

I let myself into my parents' house and placed an order from their phone to Applebee's for take out - a nice steak and potatoes for my husband, a light chicken and salad for myself. Finally, I arrived home about a half hour later, having suffered some pretty good, hard contractions on the drive there, but luckily this is my fourth and I know how to breathe through them so I didn't have a wreck.

I hobbled into the house, grunting and groaning and Bertrand helped me set up for dinner. Several minutes later, I had to stop. I couldn't eat anymore. The contractions were regular and seemed to be coming on harder. Bertrand asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, but I knew from my past nightmare experience with Chloe's delivery that I didn't even want to go NEAR a hospital until I was 100% sure this was real labor and at 35 weeks I felt there was a chance this was just the horrid false labor pains that put me out of commission and I could probably stop them. I requested a big glass of water and put my feet up on the couch for an evening of TV to try to relax and get the contractions to stop.

Three hours passed. With each passing hour the contractions began to come on harder and more painful. Then the back labor started in. I was exhausted from the constant laboring and sick of lying in front of the TV. There were so many things I wanted to accomplish that night - three hours of reality TV was not one of them.

It was nearly midnight and my poor, exhausted husband, facing a day of work in the heat the following morning, just wanted his bed.

"Let's go to bed, Babe." He suggested.

"Oh, honey," I replied. "There's no way I can sleep like this. I'm in so much pain and I'll just keep you awake. Why don't you go to bed and I'll get some transcription work done."

"How are you going to work with contractions?" He asked with concern.

"Oh, I'll be fine. Really. I'll just breathe through them. Work will keep me occupied at least, but I know I can't sleep like this."

He shrugged his shoulders and reluctantly agreed and headed off to bed. I pushed myself up into a seated position on the couch and began to rise onto my feet. I had to stop midway because of a heavy contraction, but breathed through it and stood straight up. Then I took a step forward and nearly fell to the ground. The pain that shot down the front and back of my left leg was so excruciating, I could barely stand it. I cried out and Bertrand came running.

"Are you okay? What's going on?" He called as he ran back out to me.

"Honey, I can't walk." I moaned in pain.

He stood there looking me up and down. "Well, what are you gonna' do?"

"I don't know, but I seriously cannot walk." I started to sob in frustration. "I hate this! Why does this have to be so awful?"

"Well, it's the last one, Babe. You're almost done. Maybe the baby will come this weekend." He tried to reassure me, but the tears flowed harder.

He asked me where I wanted to go in the house and, worried that I might not be able to make it back there later on, I requested the bedroom. Bertrand began to turn around in circles and look about the house - trying to form an idea of how to get me there. There was no possible way he could carry me, so he mustered up his creativity to find another way.

His eye suddenly caught our overstuffed chair full of fresh, hot towels he had recently pulled from the dryer. He picked one up, eyed the tile floor and began to lay it out before me.

"What are you doing?" I furrowed my brow and thought, "Oh no. This isn't what I think it is, is it?"

"Hop on. I'll pull you." He offered.

I contorted my face and then burst out laughing. "Are you serious?" I giggled.

"Yeah."

"Oh my gosh! You're gonna' break your back, Babe. You can't pull my weight on that thing." Now the tears flowing from my eyes were from my hysterical laughter.

"What? You think I'm weak?" He teased.

"No, I think I'm fat."

He tossed the towel back onto the chair and began scratching his chin, looking around for another idea.

I had one. "Honey, how about I just hold onto your arm and use you for support?"

He instantly offered up his arm and I began to take a step. I cried out in agony again and froze. Heaving a defeated sigh I moaned, "Oh my gosh! This is really bad. I really cannot take one more step."

"I've got it!" He said with excitement. "John has a big walking stick in his room. I'll grab that."

"No, honey. I would have to walk. Remember? I can't walk. I need to find a way to get to the room without taking another step because my left leg just isn't going to work right now. I really wish we had a wheelchair or something."

Then it hit me. We have two office chairs on wheels. "Babe!" I called out excitedly. "That's it! One of our office chairs. You could push me down the hall on that!"

His eyes widened, "Perfect. Hold on." He grabbed my office chair and wheeled it to me. I sat down and he proceeded to push me down the hall, both of us laughing at how pathetic this whole situation was. I felt so stupid. I buried my face in my hands and moaned in embarrassment. "This is just ridiculous!"

Finally! 12:30 AM. After a glass of water and some pain pills, I situated myself in bed, trying to find a comfortable spot, breathed through a few more contractions and before I knew it, I was out...and so was Bertrand. I slept really well until 8:00 AM when my girls came bursting through the door demanding chocolate milk. I sat up and then stood up from the bed feeling no pain. "Wow!" I exclaimed. Then I proceeded to walk down the hall at a brisk pace, my girls in tow - NO pain. NO problems. AMAZING! It's so interesting to me that I go from a night of heavy contractions and unbearable nerve and ligament pain to being perfectly fine! (SIGH) Ah, the joys of pregnancy!

All I have to say is - thank GOODNESS we have a sense of humor around here!