I Don't Know What To Say

I always knew this day would come.

I always knew someday I would hear these words.

I just didn't know it would be this soon.

But last night I just received word that I'm going to be a grandmother.

My first reaction was "I'm too YOUNG! I'm only 34! This isn't supposed to be happening to me right now!"

But then I realized it's not about me.

Even more surprising is that it's not just ONE, but TWO babies!

And apparently this news has been kept a secret for quite some time because we already know what the babies are.

But I haven't even told you the most disturbing part about all this.

BOTH of my daughters are pregnant! At the same time!

Oh, no - it gets even better:


Sylvie is carrying a CAT! Yes, you're reading that right! There's a cat in there!


Chloe is carrying a MONKEY!

I don't even wanna' know. All I have to say is - "Bertrand! I TOLD you it was a bad idea to let them take their stuffed animals to bed with them every night!"

Toward the end of this photo shoot, Sylvie informed me that she was having "conTRAPtions" and then both of my daughters grabbed their bellies, hunched over, moaned and waddled to the family room couches, laid on their backs and wailed and squirmed about and then proceeded to deliver their own babies within seconds of each other.

Let me tell ya' - never before in the history of this earth has a more disturbing sight been beheld.

But there you have it. I am now a grandmother to a baby cat and baby monkey. This is NOT going to look good on the family tree, but you know, worse things have happened to families like....I don't know.....ummm.....like.....oh, come on! Help me out here! Name some worse things that have happened besides 3 and 4-year-old girls birthing animals!

OK, I don't know why, but I'm drawing a blank here. I'll think of some things, though. I mean, this can't be the worst thing that has ever happened! I refuse to believe it! I will find something more disturbing and post it ASAP!

The Mall Game

I hate those kiosks at the mall. I hate them because the sales people are aggressive....and rude. One time I walked past a T-Mobile stand and the sales guy winked at me and said, "Hey, how are you today, ma'am?" I immediately raised my hand to signal STOP and said, "I already have T-Mobile service, thank you." And then scurried on my way. Of course, this ticked the guy off so he came back at me with,"Wow. I wasn't trying to sell you anything. I was just saying hi. Excuuuuse ME!" And then I retaliated by tossing a "Whatever, jerk" look over my shoulder as I continued on.

This just plain makes me hate the mall - period! Trying to get to the store I want is like trying to sneak across the Mexican/U.S. border without getting shot. Good luck with THAT!

You have to have a strategy. This is where having young children comes in handy. If the enemy attempts to engage me, I simply point at my secret little weapons and shrug like, "Sorry. I would TOTALLY stand there and let you waste my time, but these little people won't let me. DANG them."

Of course, once I reach my destination, I'm not so grateful for my little "helpers"

But seriously! WHY do they have to be all Chester? If I wanted to buy something from them, I'd stop there - a concept their kind have apparently never heard of.

ANYWAY...there's one particular kiosk, which is really tricky to get past and that's the Seacret one. You know which one I'm talking about? There are typically foreign women running it. Tiny little things with black hair and heavy accents. There's no way around it. Believe me, I've tried getting at my favorite store from every angle, but when the dang kiosk is located RIGHT OUT FRONT of it, there's no hope. They call it Seacret because all of their products contain mud from the Dead Sea and it's like a secret formula...from the sea...like a secret potion from the sea. Get it? SEAcret?

Thankfully, their associates are always women so the whole shrug and exaggerated pointing-out-my-young-snot-nosed-children maneuver always works. Women get that. Whether or not they have children of their own, they see those kids and they throw their hands up in surrender and back away. It's a beautiful thing, and one of those rare situations where I welcome rejection.

But, recently I discovered they've got a new "Seacret" weapon of their own:

A MANBOT!

DUN! DUN! DUNNN!

I call it a manbot because there is NO WAY this thing is human. They pulled out ALL the stops when they created this thing. I mean it's got the foreign accent, attractive features, SOFT HANDS! And it's programmed to not take "NO" for an answer.

So, the other day I took my girls to the mall on a little "date". And here I thought I was being smart with the air-conditioned building, the cute little doggies to look at, a play area AND it's free. It's almost PARADISE!

And I'm walking along, walking along, minding my own business, pretending to discipline my girls so the kiosk people won't target me, and BAM! Out of nowhere - something soft and supple grabs my hand. I'm thinking, "Dang! These little ladies at the kiosk are getting aggressive!" But as I glance over at the hand encompassing mine, I notice it's larger than normal and the arm - a little hairier. My eyes slowly navigate their way up the biceps, over the shoulder and stop dead in their tracks on the hairy chin. "What's this?" I ask myself.

"Hello there. Oooh, you've got nice skin. Yes. Very nice" it coos as it caresses my arm in long, gentle strokes.

I let out a nervous chuckle and respond with "I've got little ones with me. Sorry. I have to..."

"Hello beautiful little ladies." It reaches out and strokes an arm of each of my girls. "So lovely. How old?"

"3 and 4", I respond very curtly and slightly agitated. "OK. We have to go now. Thanks anyway."

The manbot steps RIGHT in front of me. "Tell me. What products are you using on your face?" And then it strokes my face with the back of it's silky soft hand.

I draw in a breath to answer and then hesitate. It continues stroking my face and my mind just goes blank.

"It no matter. Come. Let me show you something Vunderful. Please." And it pulls me back in - closer to the kiosk.

"I..." I try to fight back, but the manbot's mind control powers quickly take over as it focuses its attention on my forearm, stroking again in long, gentle strokes.

"Now just relax and let me show you something you will not believe."

And I'm thinking, "I'm already seeing something I don't believe - I'm still here - at your stupid kiosk!"

It begins rubbing a concoction onto my arm. It's cool and soothing and my mind immediately starts drifting to a white, sandy beach, the waves rhythmically drifting in, water lapping at my toes, seagulls gliding along on air currents...

"Yes. Very nice." The bot continues in its specially programmed, soft-spoken voice. It goes through the motions of applying product, rubbing it in, then gently running cool water over my arm as I fade in and out of consciousness.

And then it's over. Just like that. The manbot releases its grip and slides over to the product, hand-picking a certain jar. I slowly begin to regain my senses.

"Now" it begins, its voice becoming more stern. "This product is a very special. You know that, right?" It caresses my arm for reinforcement.

I politely smile. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the manbot, I'm plotting my escape.

The bot is going on about the product and why it's amazing and why I need it and all of the ingredients that are in it, but I have no idea what it's saying, as I'm positioning my feet for a mad dash.

THEN, as if the manbot can read my mind, it grabs my arm in a slightly tighter grip and pulls me in so close, our noses are practically touching. "I'm going to make you a deal because I know - these products are a very espensive. But you will be so happy. And I want you to be happy."

"You do?" I reply sarcastically, a smirk on my face.

"This I give you half price." The bot turns the jar around, exposing an $89 dollar price tag.

"WHA....?" I practically shout.

"No no no no. No no. Come. Wait. Please." It begins to beg.

"Sorry" I respond, holding up my hand. "That's too much. I'm sure it's great, but I don't have money for that kind of thing right now. Thanks anyway." I quickly reach out to grab my girls' hands.

The manbot proceeds to step in front of me YET AGAIN! "Look into my eyes."

Reflexively, I glance up at his face and our eyes lock.

"I really want you to have this product." It begins its pre-programmed dialogue again. "It will make you so happy. I want you to be happy."

"I know." I reply sincerely. "And I appreciate that. I really do."

"Tell you what. Let's talk about different product. Come. I show you."

"Look I have no money." I begin to back away, holding up BOTH hands this time.

But the expression on the manbot doesn't change. It simply internally switches to a different program. "How are your nails? We have nail boards. Not espensive."

"I really have no money." I repeat, a desperate tone in my voice.

"You have no money." The manbot repeats.

"None. None at all. Zero." I hold up my fingers in the shape of a zero so it can get a visual. "I literally have no money in my bank account right now. I couldn't buy these products if I wanted to."

And then, as if I had flipped the off switch, his head drops, his shoulders droop, and it slowly slides back into its corner. Completely shut down. Completely!

I just stand there, gawking in disbelief. I shut him down.

I had unlocked the secret code to winning the mall game. "I have no money." That's it!

"That's IT?" I'm thinking. "That's all I have to say? WOW!"

I'm so excited I just want to shout it at the top of my lungs. "I HAVE NO MONEY!"

I want to run up and down the corridors and announce my victory. "I HAVE NO MONEY! Did you hear that? I! HAVE! NO! MONEY! HAHA! I am AWESOME!"

"I have no money". It's that simple, folks. And now you know the secret to winning the mall game.

The Accident

Before you read this, I just want to warn you that it's pretty graphic. I posted one picture - the only one I got. I tried to take a full shot of Bertrand, but he's so upset he won't let me. However, if you have a weak stomach, I'm warning you - this is really bad.

I received a phone call this afternoon from Bertrand and all I could hear was panting into the phone. I rolled my eyes and just sat there waiting for him to knock it off. You see, today is April Fool's day and he had already stopped by home at one point and told me his truck was breaking down and he was negative in his bank account - just to scare me and get a reaction for April Fool's. I didn't react and he was very disappointed, but he went on his way and I figured that would be the end of it.

So here he was now panting into the phone and I'm like, "Oh give it UP!" Finally, in an annoyed voice, I said, "Babe, I'm busy right now. What?"

He continued panting. Then he spoke in a weak mumble, "I had an accident."

I cackled into the phone. "WHATEVER! You'll NEVER get me!"

He continued panting and then crying. At this point I paused and thought, "Either he's really hurt or he's insisting on taking this as far as he can until I fall for it."

"Seriously, hon. I'm busy with work. What's going on?" I sighed.

"I hurt myself bad. Really bad. I need you to come right now." He began crying into the phone.

I perked up in my seat. "What happened? What kind of accident?"

"Just get over here right now. I don't know what to do." He moaned.

He told me which pool he was at and I jumped in my minivan full of fussy little kids and drove to the site, my heart pounding thinking "Okay, something IS wrong. There's no way he'd take a prank this far."

When I arrived at the scene, I grabbed Zander, rolled down windows and told the girls to stay in the minivan. They started fussing and I said, "Hey! You just wait here a second. I'm going right over there where you can still see me. Just let me see what's wrong with Papa." With that, I made a mad dash over to him. He was on his knees, doubled over, holding his arm and crying. I saw something lying on the deck next to him, but without my glasses, I couldn't really tell what it was. As I got closer, it looked like...his arm. His forearm and hand. There was a lot of red stuff around him. It looked like blood. My stomach turned. I gasped and smacked my hand over my mouth.

"What the....?" I gulped hard. When I got close enough I realized it WAS HIS ARM! His arm just about halfway up the forearm was completely OFF! Just lying there on the deck! I screamed and dropped to my knees. Zander jumped and immediately started crying hysterically. I set him down next to me and, clasped both hands over my mouth and just screamed and screamed. Bertrand looked up at me, tears just running down his face. I started bawling.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!?!" I screamed. "WHAT HAPPENED?!?!"

I ran back to the van with Zander and grabbed my cell phone and called 911.

Anyway, long story short - the paramedics came and took Bertrand and his arm to the hospital. They had a cooler with ice ready and packed it in there, but we really had no idea at this point if they'd even be able to save it.

Apparently Bertrand was fixing a pool heater and he lifted a really sharp, heavy part out by himself, which is a job that NO MAN should be doing by himself! He should have had someone there with him, but he was too impatient and just wanted to get the job done, so he tried to do it himself, lost his grip on the heavy part and it just fell and took his arm clean off. Just took the whole thing right in the middle of his forearm!

At the hospital I took a picture with the camera Bertrand had in his truck.


So, I went to the hospital with all of the kids and sat and waited a while. The kids started fussing, so I took them home. I got them all taken care of and just collapsed on the couch in shock. And just sat and waited for the call from the hospital.

They were NOT able to save his arm. There's nothing they can do. The best they offered up was to clean the wound, bandage it up, keep him on antibiotics in the hospital and later on down the road we can try to get him a prosthetic arm.

To answer any questions that might come up:

1. He will definitely be out of work for a long time, possibly indefinitely. We have actually already worked out a plan. I tried to get him to quit his job a while back. I can totally support us with my work, so we're just letting his truck go and I'll just work around the clock - Hey, at least we'll have medical benefits for all of us now.

2. He will NEVER give up drumming. There have been one-armed drummers before him. He'll have to figure out a whole new way of drumming. This does put a damper on our album, but we'll find another drummer in the meantime until Bertrand is healed up and has had time to learn a new way to play.

Anyway, we really appreciate the phone calls and support and the help everyone has offered. Many have offered to go visit him in the hospital, but he's really out of it right now. I'll be going back over there tonight to sit with him, but this is really shocking and upsetting and we kind of just want to be alone right now. Sorry if you've called and the phone just rang and rang. We don't have an answering machine. You can reach me on my cell phone. Don't call his. His is turned off right now.

We'll get through this. Bertrand is the KING of freak accidents and health problems, so this is just really no surprise. Crazy that it happened on April Fool's Day and I just feel so bad that I didn't believe him at first.

All I have to say right now is....

APRIL FOOL'S SUCKAS!

If you are a face booker, please do NOT say anything about this being a joke on my FB page. I want to fool as many people as possible! MUHAHA! Please help me in my evil plight. Admit it - you liked it! Who doesn't love a good fake out?