The Mall Game

I hate those kiosks at the mall. I hate them because the sales people are aggressive....and rude. One time I walked past a T-Mobile stand and the sales guy winked at me and said, "Hey, how are you today, ma'am?" I immediately raised my hand to signal STOP and said, "I already have T-Mobile service, thank you." And then scurried on my way. Of course, this ticked the guy off so he came back at me with,"Wow. I wasn't trying to sell you anything. I was just saying hi. Excuuuuse ME!" And then I retaliated by tossing a "Whatever, jerk" look over my shoulder as I continued on.

This just plain makes me hate the mall - period! Trying to get to the store I want is like trying to sneak across the Mexican/U.S. border without getting shot. Good luck with THAT!

You have to have a strategy. This is where having young children comes in handy. If the enemy attempts to engage me, I simply point at my secret little weapons and shrug like, "Sorry. I would TOTALLY stand there and let you waste my time, but these little people won't let me. DANG them."

Of course, once I reach my destination, I'm not so grateful for my little "helpers"

But seriously! WHY do they have to be all Chester? If I wanted to buy something from them, I'd stop there - a concept their kind have apparently never heard of.

ANYWAY...there's one particular kiosk, which is really tricky to get past and that's the Seacret one. You know which one I'm talking about? There are typically foreign women running it. Tiny little things with black hair and heavy accents. There's no way around it. Believe me, I've tried getting at my favorite store from every angle, but when the dang kiosk is located RIGHT OUT FRONT of it, there's no hope. They call it Seacret because all of their products contain mud from the Dead Sea and it's like a secret formula...from the sea...like a secret potion from the sea. Get it? SEAcret?

Thankfully, their associates are always women so the whole shrug and exaggerated pointing-out-my-young-snot-nosed-children maneuver always works. Women get that. Whether or not they have children of their own, they see those kids and they throw their hands up in surrender and back away. It's a beautiful thing, and one of those rare situations where I welcome rejection.

But, recently I discovered they've got a new "Seacret" weapon of their own:

A MANBOT!

DUN! DUN! DUNNN!

I call it a manbot because there is NO WAY this thing is human. They pulled out ALL the stops when they created this thing. I mean it's got the foreign accent, attractive features, SOFT HANDS! And it's programmed to not take "NO" for an answer.

So, the other day I took my girls to the mall on a little "date". And here I thought I was being smart with the air-conditioned building, the cute little doggies to look at, a play area AND it's free. It's almost PARADISE!

And I'm walking along, walking along, minding my own business, pretending to discipline my girls so the kiosk people won't target me, and BAM! Out of nowhere - something soft and supple grabs my hand. I'm thinking, "Dang! These little ladies at the kiosk are getting aggressive!" But as I glance over at the hand encompassing mine, I notice it's larger than normal and the arm - a little hairier. My eyes slowly navigate their way up the biceps, over the shoulder and stop dead in their tracks on the hairy chin. "What's this?" I ask myself.

"Hello there. Oooh, you've got nice skin. Yes. Very nice" it coos as it caresses my arm in long, gentle strokes.

I let out a nervous chuckle and respond with "I've got little ones with me. Sorry. I have to..."

"Hello beautiful little ladies." It reaches out and strokes an arm of each of my girls. "So lovely. How old?"

"3 and 4", I respond very curtly and slightly agitated. "OK. We have to go now. Thanks anyway."

The manbot steps RIGHT in front of me. "Tell me. What products are you using on your face?" And then it strokes my face with the back of it's silky soft hand.

I draw in a breath to answer and then hesitate. It continues stroking my face and my mind just goes blank.

"It no matter. Come. Let me show you something Vunderful. Please." And it pulls me back in - closer to the kiosk.

"I..." I try to fight back, but the manbot's mind control powers quickly take over as it focuses its attention on my forearm, stroking again in long, gentle strokes.

"Now just relax and let me show you something you will not believe."

And I'm thinking, "I'm already seeing something I don't believe - I'm still here - at your stupid kiosk!"

It begins rubbing a concoction onto my arm. It's cool and soothing and my mind immediately starts drifting to a white, sandy beach, the waves rhythmically drifting in, water lapping at my toes, seagulls gliding along on air currents...

"Yes. Very nice." The bot continues in its specially programmed, soft-spoken voice. It goes through the motions of applying product, rubbing it in, then gently running cool water over my arm as I fade in and out of consciousness.

And then it's over. Just like that. The manbot releases its grip and slides over to the product, hand-picking a certain jar. I slowly begin to regain my senses.

"Now" it begins, its voice becoming more stern. "This product is a very special. You know that, right?" It caresses my arm for reinforcement.

I politely smile. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the manbot, I'm plotting my escape.

The bot is going on about the product and why it's amazing and why I need it and all of the ingredients that are in it, but I have no idea what it's saying, as I'm positioning my feet for a mad dash.

THEN, as if the manbot can read my mind, it grabs my arm in a slightly tighter grip and pulls me in so close, our noses are practically touching. "I'm going to make you a deal because I know - these products are a very espensive. But you will be so happy. And I want you to be happy."

"You do?" I reply sarcastically, a smirk on my face.

"This I give you half price." The bot turns the jar around, exposing an $89 dollar price tag.

"WHA....?" I practically shout.

"No no no no. No no. Come. Wait. Please." It begins to beg.

"Sorry" I respond, holding up my hand. "That's too much. I'm sure it's great, but I don't have money for that kind of thing right now. Thanks anyway." I quickly reach out to grab my girls' hands.

The manbot proceeds to step in front of me YET AGAIN! "Look into my eyes."

Reflexively, I glance up at his face and our eyes lock.

"I really want you to have this product." It begins its pre-programmed dialogue again. "It will make you so happy. I want you to be happy."

"I know." I reply sincerely. "And I appreciate that. I really do."

"Tell you what. Let's talk about different product. Come. I show you."

"Look I have no money." I begin to back away, holding up BOTH hands this time.

But the expression on the manbot doesn't change. It simply internally switches to a different program. "How are your nails? We have nail boards. Not espensive."

"I really have no money." I repeat, a desperate tone in my voice.

"You have no money." The manbot repeats.

"None. None at all. Zero." I hold up my fingers in the shape of a zero so it can get a visual. "I literally have no money in my bank account right now. I couldn't buy these products if I wanted to."

And then, as if I had flipped the off switch, his head drops, his shoulders droop, and it slowly slides back into its corner. Completely shut down. Completely!

I just stand there, gawking in disbelief. I shut him down.

I had unlocked the secret code to winning the mall game. "I have no money." That's it!

"That's IT?" I'm thinking. "That's all I have to say? WOW!"

I'm so excited I just want to shout it at the top of my lungs. "I HAVE NO MONEY!"

I want to run up and down the corridors and announce my victory. "I HAVE NO MONEY! Did you hear that? I! HAVE! NO! MONEY! HAHA! I am AWESOME!"

"I have no money". It's that simple, folks. And now you know the secret to winning the mall game.